Part 49 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who, What & How The Fuck Have I Survived The Unthinkable!”
LISTEN!
If I am being honest, I’ve been procrastinating moving forward, but when I stay in alignment with my purpose and remember those I am intending to make a difference for, I know I must stay obedient!
I am almost embarrassed to say that it wasn’t the constant threats, the betrayal, the disrespect, the cruel things he said or did, the emotional anguish, the psychological warfare, or even the financial control he had over me that lead to my breaking point.
To me it was something much worse.
Up to the point of no return, there were soooooooo many glaring occurrences that screamed, Sarah, if you don’t do something different, you will always be under his control, your life will never be on your own terms, and will always be dictated by his tolerance.
But after 15 years of loving and accepting someone, who witnessed me fall hundreds of times and the devastation that ensued from many of them, it was insinuated that I faked a fall I told him I had when I was getting out of the shower, nearly cracking my head open to avoid talking to him -THAT was my breaking point!
It sounds absolutely ridiculous! I mean for 2 1/2 years I allowed him to talk crazy to me, threaten me, bully me, chastise me, disrespect me, lie to me, blame me, curse at me, dishonor me and our marriage, emotionally torment me, and after 15 years of sacrifice and unconditional love and support, on August 25, 2022, say to me:
“I cannot put out $8,000 at one time for your therapy” when between August 18, 2022 – October 11, 2022, ~$66,698.64 was spent out of our joint account, on Zelle transfers, lavish dinners, travel/entertainment, clothing, furniture for the home he now shared with Tricksy, season tickets to NFL games, and Usher concert tickets while in Vegas with Tricksy, and I SAID NOTHING, all in exchange for financial security, my sanity, safety, and to maintain a lifestyle I had worked hard for?
However, when he insinuated I faked falling, that did something to my soul and I was done!
I know! It’s absolutely insane to think about all that I tolerated because of fear and the anguish of having to start over, and trust me, I have had to forgive the version of myself that allowed it.
This is definitely what it means when they say “You teach people how to treat you!’ My silence, fear, and compliance gave him permission to continue the behavior. I own my role in what I allowed!
THIS was my last communication to Dick:
Thursday October 20, 2022 @ 1:09pm
Ohhhhhhh wow, I didn't even see your message from yesterday or this morning until I had to reset my phone 🥺 and I didn't say I was getting in the shower at that moment...it's a process and I just got out.
I am ok…I did not go to urgent care but Ned stayed with me until midnight to make sure I was ok. I can take a pic of the bump on my head if you need proof.
I don’t care what you think about me at this point Dick, but I have never lived my life through this condition wanting, needing or asking for anyone’s pity, so to insinuate that I would make up a fall is insulting. When I don’t want to talk to you I just tell you, haven’t I?
It is mind blowing to me that instead of just owning what you and “Tricksy” did in your pursuit of happiness (& kudos to you for doing exactly what you needed to do for you in spite of the many hearts you would break and lives that would be impacted) that you are now blaming ME for expressing my truth.
I am not the one who betrayed you, dishonored you, disrespected you, cheated on you, lied to you, berated you, had sex with your family member, moved them into my home on the lake with a pool, am now parading them around, taking care of, shopping for, taking on vacation, having lavish dinners, celebrating holidays with, etc., etc., etc. all while you are both still married to me and “my nephew” and now both of you are the ones being victims?
Now you want to defame my work and my name because I shared my truth? Instead of just saying yes I did that, I'm so sorry for how I hurt her and her nephew and I own what I did. It’s really funny how none of the amazing things I said about you and her are a topic of discussion and even in that one chapter how neither one of you expressed any remorse for the pain I was in, or the heartache that you caused for 2 families that only loved and adored you both. I talked to my nephew and read the text message between him and “Tricksy”, and nowhere in there is he upset with me…& he and I are solid.
I think it’s extremely hypocritical that only NOW you’re concerned about my “great niece’s” well being. If either of you were the least bit concerned about anyone other than yourselves, none of this would be happening.
You made the decisions you did to be happy and I truly hope that you are, so why would you continue to try and hurt me “Dick”? but I get it point the finger at me, blame and deflect what is truth. That was really messed up for telling “Lisa” that I blamed her, because I didn't. I AM TIRED “Dick”! Tired of being hurt by a man I have only tried to love. I mean I never said one negative word about you, what you did and are doing in any platform not even did I comment on any of your posts. I have not given you one ounce of drama or fucked with you about anything! The onus of your lies to people about who she is, is not on me, it’s on you.
I don’t want to talk to you anymore and be subjected to your ridicule and blaming me for your actions. I just want to be free to live my life in peace and really focus on healing my mind, heart, soul and body without being under your control of any part of it.
Yes you have provided a wonderful home and lifestyle for me and I have been beyond grateful, but it has also come at a high, stressful, emotional ass cost! The constant reminders of it, the threats to take it away if I step outside the parameters of what you deem acceptable and it's fucking exhausting.🥵
I have asked you for a divorce several times, and filed in 2020 but rescinded it at your request...you even said you would give me the money to get my own attorney but that never happened and was willing to and did not want to go to court and asked you to get with “your attorney”, draw something up and if I thought it was fair would sign off on it!
I don’t care if you slander my name or if “Angel, Cookie, Tricksy, Donald and Gertrude” or whoever else thinks “I’M” a snake and sneaky bitch or wants to sue me.
I cheat death EVERYDAY with EVERY step I take and that’s with the walker! If God has granted me sooooooo much Grace to live and see another day I’m not going to live my life in fear of you OR what you threaten to take from me anymore!
Do whatever it is you need or want to do or take! I’m done! I’m just tired of dealing with your bullying, narcissism and YOUR arrogance.
I won't be available until late Monday.”
“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don’t yearn to reach out, but because they’ve tried and found no one who cares.” “Strong women aren’t born they are made by the storms they walked through.”
Love & Light,
Sarah Marie🌹
#YouJustCan’tMakeThisShitUp #Protectyourpeace #protectyourheart #Loveyourselffirst #Iamasurvivor #Iamafighter #Iamawarrior #Iamaqueen
Using this practice of Tai, QiGong and the HenderZen Formula for Living Well, is a vital way I manage my emotions and regulate my nervous system.♥️
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