LISTEN!

This is why it took me 9 years to complete my memoir; cause life just keeps on lifeing.🤪

Saturday morning around 1:30am, I went to the restroom and next thing I know, I was wiping up blood, nursing a busted lip and rolling to the freezer to get an ice pack I could sleep on.

I woke up with a fat, cut lip, a bruised left side of my face from the crash, a throbbing headache, and an extreme amount of gratitude that all my teeth were intact.😬

I felt immensely blessed for God’s Divine layer of protection that surrounds me, and a family bond filled with unconditional love, you cannot put a price tag on.

I could have easily pulled the covers over my head, stayed in bed, riddled with feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self-pity. That option would have thoroughly sent me into a state of depression!

LISTEN!

Healing the wounds of trauma, has required more than I could have ever imagined. I have had to dig deep within to find the inner strength to face the reality of my 3 decades long physical dis-ability, as well as the pain staking almost 5-year process of debilitating betrayal and divorcing a narcissistic abuser.

I continue the daily work to love, honor, respect, value, validate and appreciate myself. Trust and believe, it is a moment-to-moment process and practice I have adopted to lift and empower my self worth before sinking into the abyss.

Have you ever had moments where you just scream to the top of your lungs:

FU@K!!!!!!!!😂.

LISTEN!

As much as I wanna skip ahead to my actually finding the courage to file for a divorce the 2nd time in October 2022, I believe it is vital to showcase the dynamics of what I experienced, and how the subtleties of what I call “sweet abuse” shows up.

The confusion I felt, and the uneasiness in my Spirit came from his inconsistencies, contradictions, and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type communication that would shift his countenance and personality from one moment to the next.  The constant vitriol and discourse continued for 2 ½ years.

His kind of “love” was unpredictable and predicated on his mood, delusions, and conditions. IT WASN’T LOVE; IT WAS ALL CONTROL.

LISTEN!

It has been a loooooooong emotionally and physically taxing day.🤪. Awake at 3:30am to ride into work with my sister for my 5th or 6th (lost count) court appearance post divorce.

I wondered how I would feel seeing Dick and Tricksy for the first time in 3 years.

Would I want to slap the sh@t out of them? Would I want to run them down with my wheelchair?  Would I be angry?  Would I cry?

Well, I felt none of those things.  I was just numb to it, all cried out, and immediately started to pray.

LISTEN!

As I continue to hear stories about what other women are experiencing,  I want to interrupt my story to take the opportunity to express that:

1. NO, you are not crazy!  What you are experiencing is valid.

2. NO, you are not alone!  There are millions of women in your exact position, or worse.

3. YES, divorcing a narcissistic abuser is a real problem.

It is vitally important to have an understanding of what it is and how to maintain a healthy mindset, and focus on self-care, as the narcissist continues their destructive, abusive behavior.

LISTEN!

The majority of my days are filled with hope, and positive expectancy, and joy, and gratitude, and faith, and laughter, and so much love; then there are days like yesterday when reality hits me harder than normal. It’s called being human.

So, I got out of bed, pressed my body against the side of the mattress to lean over and reach for my phone that was a little more than an arms reach away. My foot slipped and now my chest was on the bed and my legs were straight behind me.

LISTEN!

Amenable:

(Ready or willing to answer, act, agree, or yield; open to influence, persuasion, or advice; agreeable; submissive; tractable:

an amenable servant.)

The more amenable I was to my husband; the more confidence and ammunition it seemed to give him to fire his weapons of manipulation, love bombing and control.

He flexed his financial dominance and pounced on every single thing I said, or did that did not fall within the parameters of what he deemed acceptable.

I was his emotional punching bag and in a constant state of catering to his insecurities and inflated, yet fragile ego.

The more I purge, the more I feel, the more I heal!🦋

LISTEN!

As challenging as it may be to re-visit the disrespect and emotionally charged mental mind games and trauma “I ALLOWED” from my husband at the time, I am so proud that I finally (2 years later), had the courage to walk away, physical disability and all!  I realized that I was worth more than the disloyalty, dishonor, disrespect, and the dis-ease he continued to dish out!

The more I purge, the more I feel, the more I heal!🦋

LISTEN!

The empathetic part of me has just been praying that this dude would just do the right thing, follow the court orders, be the man he claims to be, STOP filing motions, STOP filing lawsuits, STOP dragging me through the courts, STOP playing the victim, STOP being a coward,  STOP lying, STOP pretending, STOP being vindictive, STOP being petty, STOP being hateful, just STOP!

I believe that (in the words of Kendrick Lamar): “It was God’s plan to show y’all the liar, AND If you stop telling lies about me, I won’t have to tell the truth about you.”

Now it’s August 2020! In the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years that followed, it was a constant struggle to maintain my peace. Having to continue to interact with Dick on any level was hard enough, but to have to now ask him for money, and be reprimanded and reminded that he was reason I lived a “luxury” lifestyle, even though I had paid my dues and earned it, that it could all be taken away; while he was now actively and openly having affairs with both Cookie and Tricksy was diabolical, ruthless and cruel.

LISTEN!

I have often had thoughts of just abandoning this series and aborting the mission, because I convince myself that nobody cares, my story/voice won’t make a difference, no matter how much advocacy work is done, laws and legislation to protect survivors are never gonna change, and more importantly, abusers will continue to abuse with no remorse, empathy, accountability, and will continue to get away with it.

LISTEN!  My story goes beyond abuse!  It includes cruelty towards someone with a disability.

So here’s what I had survived just between December 1, 2024 - January, 6, 2025 and why I was awol from posting:

In 36 days, I fell a total of 27 times.  Yep, banged up myself pretty good and I am more than certain I sustained several concussions, but guess what, I’m still here and rising from each fall with more gratitude and tenacity than the times before.

LISTEN!  My story goes beyond abuse!  It includes cruelty towards someone with a disability.

So here’s what I had survived just between December 1, 2024 - January, 6, 2025 and why I was awol from posting:

In 36 days, I fell a total of 27 times.  Yep, banged up myself pretty good and I am more than certain I sustained several concussions, but guess what, I’m still here and rising from each fall with more gratitude and tenacity than the times before.

By this time, I didn’t feel safe, or protected, or free. I was a sitting duck! Anything I said, anything I did, any person I talked to that did not align with what he felt was acceptable, I always found myself being warned, berated, chastised and threatened.

Catering to his ego and emotional fragility instead of addressing my own pain and well-being was devastatingly exhausting and self-serving on his part.  I did it because I wanted peace.  I did it because I wanted all to be well with my soul.  I did it because I loved him.

Catering to his ego and emotional fragility instead of addressing my own pain and well-being was devastatingly exhausting and self-serving on his part.  I did it because I wanted peace.  I did it because I wanted all to be well with my soul.  I did it because I loved him.

I blamed myself for being in the position to even be controlled. I let my guard down, and because I trusted in and believed that who I was to him as a wife and his vow to me as my husband, I put all my eggs in this one basket and now I was going to pay a high price for that.  I had spent the last 15 years pouring into a relationship and a person that was built on deception and lies.  I was 24 years into my disability and, I felt like a trapped rat, vulnerable and alone.

Ultimately my focus is to share how I am healing my heart; dismantling the conversation’s I have with myself, about myself in a way that lifts and empowers my sense of self-worth; how I have been able to master my thoughts, manage and compartmentalize my emotions, navigate through the pain, forgive, love and honor myself enough to make decisions that have allowed me to take my power back and do my best to create in the chaos.

How to deal with emotional abuse

1. Don't try to fix them. ...

2. Avoid self-blame. ...

3. Prioritize your needs. ...

4. Avoid engaging with them. ...

5. Set personal boundaries. ...

6. Build a support network. ...

7. Exit the relationship or circumstance. ...

8. Give yourself time to heal.

Katt Williams said:

"If you wanted me to speak more highly of you, then perhaps you should have treated me better.  You don't get to narrate MY story of MY experiences with you." I felt that with my entire soul.

Having met so many women dealing with the effects of domestic abuse, I am crystal clear that every experience is not the same and divorcing a narcissist is definitely not a cookie cutter situation as defined by the law. However, the profile and behaviors of the narcissistic abuser is very much identical to the point where I have often asked: Are we married to the same man? This man was so kind, loving and apologetic about the way he betrayed and treated me, until he wasn’t. He would then become mean, dismissive and accusatory.

The cruelty and abuse first began with a betrayal so deep, it crushed my soul. I will share actual conversations, diabolical behaviors and actions that led to an emotional roller coaster ride, mental torture, the tug of war and anguish on my heart, soul and the constant back and forth of his love and devotion for me, promises to always protect and provide without condition, to reminders that “I wouldn’t have shit” if it wasn’t for him, and threats to take it all away if I didn’t conform to what he deemed acceptable.