LISTEN!

Resilience Is:

The ability of a person to adjust to, or recover readily from illness, adversity, major life changes.   To respond to or recover readily from a crisis, or disruptive process, etc..

When you look up the word RESILIENCE there should be a picture of me grinning from ear to ear saying: “Ting!”🤗😂

By diving deep into our history, we can all uncover the strength we have had to utilize to make it through difficult moments and repurpose pain for our growth.

Whether you or someone you know has ever experienced emotional or physical trauma, been betrayed, mistreated, devalued, disrespected, abused, abandoned, divorced a narcissist, dealing with a chronic illness, battled depression, addiction, suffered unbearable loss, or maybe you’re just overwhelmed with life as it shows up; YOU are still here!

That means YOU have a purpose to fulfill!

LISTEN!

If I am being honest, I’ve been procrastinating moving forward, but when I stay in alignment with my purpose and remember those I am intending to make a difference for, I know I must stay obedient!

I am almost embarrassed to say that it wasn’t the constant threats, the betrayal, the disrespect, the cruel things he said or did, the emotional anguish, the psychological warfare, or even the financial control he had over me that lead to my breaking point.   

To me it was something much worse.   

Up to the point of no return, there were soooooooo many glaring occurrences that screamed, Sarah, if you don’t do something different, you will always be under his control, your life will never be on your own terms, and will always be dictated by his tolerance.

LISTEN!

I had every intention to post yesterday but family, it was a day filled with “Dammit Mannnn”moments from beginning to end!

I mean I really had to tap in having the “Patience Of Job” with myself!😂

I dropped blackberries on the floor and spent 30 minutes cleaning that up!

I purposely had the blueberries I thought securely on the counter, some kinda way bumped ‘em and spent another 40 minutes gathering up blueberries, thought I was done and realized I had rolled over one I didn’t see and had to clean that up!  🤢

THEN was getting the cherries out the fridge after all that and what you think happened?  Yep, them jokers slipped out of my hands and wasted all in the refrigerator, but at least only 3 escaped to the floor!🤗

LISTEN!

“Never confuse being loved with being rescued. The right people will stand beside you not above you; and when someone treats your struggle like a burden, walk away as soon as you are able.”

-Leah Campbell

Because of my condition, and the vulnerabilities associated with it, after all that’s happened, I believe he only loved being seen as the kind of man who could love someone vulnerable, with a disability, and being my savior/hero.  When it no longer benefited him, he stopped performing and abandoned me in the most vile and cruel way.

The “love bombing” was real, and now makes perfect sense.

LISTEN!

When someone knows your struggles, knows your plight, knows your pain, your vulnerabilities, your trauma, your disability/dependence on them, your feelings of abandonment, your history and fears with previous relationships, knows and has witnessed the effects that stress has on you emotionally and your physical body, then uses it against you in a malicious way to assert control and manipulate your actions, that is cruelty and abuse.

If you are anything like me, it took me along time before I was willing to, or even wanted to call what was happening to me - “ABUSE”.

LISTEN!

In the words of Donnie McClurkin:

“After you’ve done all you can, just STAND!”

I AM Standing! In the Truth!  Up For Myself!  For A Community Of Survivors!  For The Vulnerable!  The Disabled!  Those Who Are Living In Fear!  Those Who’s Voices Have Been Silenced!

It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be free, the truth is my reality was living within the intersection of having a disability and his financial control.

The feeling of being trapped was amplified when my autonomy was predicated by whether or not he was happy, and I was compliant.

LISTEN!

Every communication and action I share details the subtleties, and not so subtle displays of domestic abuse. 

Narcissists respond with anger and hostility towards rejection, they disrespect others' boundaries and devalue them, and can degrade, insult, or blame others who disagree with them or challenges their inflated, yet fragile ego’s, i.e.; Edging God Out.” 

No matter how much effort was put forth to calm the waters, express gratitude, speak in a respectful tone, or extend Grace even when it wasn’t deserved, it goes unnoticed when communicating with an individual whose primary goal is to incite fear and maintain control, particularly when they use financial influence as a means of leverage.

LISTEN!

I spoke to a dear friend that I’ve known for over 30 years just yesterday, and was shocked to hear that she too has been “growing” through some of the same unnecessary court appearances and venom with her ex-husband.

She shared with me the profound psychological, emotional, financial and physical impact it has had on her.  She was totally unaware that I was dealing with the same thing.

Although she hated to hear about my mirroring experience, the relief in her voice knowing that I understood, could relate, that she wasn’t alone, and being able to offer her a different perspective, and one that empowered her sense of self, as crazy as this sounds; it made the last 6 years of my journey worth it.🤗

LISTEN!

So, today was one of those days. As I was preparing to do a video for this series, I stood up from my walker to sit in the chair, missed it entirely, hit the floor and ended up doing the video sitting right where I landed.🤗

Seriously, it took me 18 minutes to figure out how to get my ass up .  Every time I would push up using my left hand as leverage just to get to my knees, my left shoulder (yes, the one I dislocated a couple of years ago) kept snap, crackle, popping, and giving out.🤢

It wasn’t cute, but my determination to not let the floor win, was sexy as hell! I needed a cocktail.🍹

Anyone that knows me, understands that my methods of dealing with the atrocities of life as they show up is to find ways to laugh through the pain, at the situation, or at myself, which ultimately gives everyone around me permission to do the same.

In revisiting the last 6 years of trauma, surprisingly, has become an empowering pathway toward healing my heart.

LISTEN!

"Surviving is the ultimate plot twist; you didn't just escape the fire, you walked out with enough spark to light up the whole world—and probably the sense to never let anyone play with matches near you again. Remember, you aren't just a survivor; you're the masterpiece that the storm couldn't wash away.”

I just wanted to share a few nuggets of encouragement on the importance of staying the course toward your higher calling.

Even when you encounter opposition or forces that seek to derail your progress, it is vital to remember that your purpose is greater than any obstacle placed in your path.

LISTEN!

Happy Woman’s History Month!

"Owning our story can be difficult, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it!” - Brene Brown

“The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse, is when you attempt to leave or end the relationship.”

- CODA

LISTEN!

I often wonder if my story is making an impact for anyone.

Then, I read your comments, or out-of-the blue, I will get a private message, a text, an email, or even a phone call expressing gratitude and appreciation for being transparent and vulnerable. I got a message saying; “Thank You! I don’t feel alone anymore.”😭

LISTEN!

I rightfully could have filed a lawsuit of my own for defamation, slander, frivolous and malicious prosecution, intentional infliction of emotional distress, mental anguish, domestic abuse, and tortious interference, but have chosen not to (despite what he has CHOSEN to do).

Instead I have continued my journey to heal, grow, laugh, love, experience as much joy as humanly possible in the reality of what is, and create in the chaos.

LISTEN!

“It’s not the trauma that defines us, it’s the courage it takes to survive it and how we choose to move on from it!” Remember: Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s about acting in the presence of it!

LISTEN!

“Let me tell you something most people don’t want to hear: that a narcissist in your life didn’t just stumble there by accident. It wasn’t random, and it wasn’t meaningless. As much as you may hate it, as much as it may feel unfair, there’s a reason they showed up.

We like to think blessings only come wrapped in comfort, but God doesn’t work like that. Sometimes, a blessing comes dressed as a storm. Sometimes, it comes as a thorn. Sometimes, it comes as the one person who drives you to the edge of yourself—not to destroy you, but to show you who you really are. And yes, it’s painful. Yes, it feels like betrayal on repeat. But PAIN HAS A PURPOSE!

Every scar, every sleepless night, and every manipulation you endured pushes you closer to the lesson you were meant to learn. Because God doesn’t waste suffering; He recycles it into strength.”

- Vanessa Ramos

LISTEN!

This is why it took me 9 years to complete my memoir; cause life just keeps on lifeing.🤪

Saturday morning around 1:30am, I went to the restroom and next thing I know, I was wiping up blood, nursing a busted lip and rolling to the freezer to get an ice pack I could sleep on.

I woke up with a fat, cut lip, a bruised left side of my face from the crash, a throbbing headache, and an extreme amount of gratitude that all my teeth were intact.😬

I felt immensely blessed for God’s Divine layer of protection that surrounds me, and a family bond filled with unconditional love, you cannot put a price tag on.

I could have easily pulled the covers over my head, stayed in bed, riddled with feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self-pity. That option would have thoroughly sent me into a state of depression!

LISTEN!

Healing the wounds of trauma, has required more than I could have ever imagined. I have had to dig deep within to find the inner strength to face the reality of my 3 decades long physical dis-ability, as well as the pain staking almost 5-year process of debilitating betrayal and divorcing a narcissistic abuser.

I continue the daily work to love, honor, respect, value, validate and appreciate myself. Trust and believe, it is a moment-to-moment process and practice I have adopted to lift and empower my self worth before sinking into the abyss.

Have you ever had moments where you just scream to the top of your lungs:

FU@K!!!!!!!!😂.

LISTEN!

As much as I wanna skip ahead to my actually finding the courage to file for a divorce the 2nd time in October 2022, I believe it is vital to showcase the dynamics of what I experienced, and how the subtleties of what I call “sweet abuse” shows up.

The confusion I felt, and the uneasiness in my Spirit came from his inconsistencies, contradictions, and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type communication that would shift his countenance and personality from one moment to the next.  The constant vitriol and discourse continued for 2 ½ years.

His kind of “love” was unpredictable and predicated on his mood, delusions, and conditions. IT WASN’T LOVE; IT WAS ALL CONTROL.

LISTEN!

It has been a loooooooong emotionally and physically taxing day.🤪. Awake at 3:30am to ride into work with my sister for my 5th or 6th (lost count) court appearance post divorce.

I wondered how I would feel seeing Dick and Tricksy for the first time in 3 years.

Would I want to slap the sh@t out of them? Would I want to run them down with my wheelchair?  Would I be angry?  Would I cry?

Well, I felt none of those things.  I was just numb to it, all cried out, and immediately started to pray.

LISTEN!

As I continue to hear stories about what other women are experiencing,  I want to interrupt my story to take the opportunity to express that:

1. NO, you are not crazy!  What you are experiencing is valid.

2. NO, you are not alone!  There are millions of women in your exact position, or worse.

3. YES, divorcing a narcissistic abuser is a real problem.

It is vitally important to have an understanding of what it is and how to maintain a healthy mindset, and focus on self-care, as the narcissist continues their destructive, abusive behavior.