Part 26 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
Listen!
I have often had thoughts of just abandoning this series and aborting the mission, because I convince myself that nobody cares, my story/voice won’t make a difference, no matter how much advocacy work is done, laws and legislation to protect survivors are never gonna change, and more importantly, abusers will continue to abuse with no remorse, empathy, accountability, and will continue to get away with it.
Then God will intervene through a private message from someone inspired by my courage, who relates to my story and doesn’t feel alone anymore; a comment from a reader encouraging me to continue making a difference by being transparent and vulnerable, and I am constantly hearing about another survivor’s story, or will see a program specifically addressing the effects of domestic violence and abuse stating how silence is the killer.
On a more serious, personal note, the more I share the truth, the less I fall. When I was being consistent with my Blog posts, I went almost a month without falling once. Welp, the longer I go not sharing and purging the toxicity, the more I have near fatal falls, that I inevitably survive with God’s Grace.
I have been on the mend and taking it easy this week. So, I dropped my razor, and as I had successfully done probably 3-4 times before, I slowly and methodically bent down to pick it up. Let’s just say things didn’t go as I saw it working out in my mind.
The next thing I knew my forehead and the right side of my face got acquainted with the tile. I could not believe that I still had my teeth😬 and there wasn’t a drop of blood in sight!
My heart was beating out of my chest. I closed my eyes, praised God and took 3 deep breaths with a sigh of relief. I turned and made it to my knees so that I could position myself to push up on the built-in bench to stand up, slipped and fell AGAIN!
I sat on the shower floor for what seemed like an eternity. The water continued to flow as I sobbed uncontrollably, just praying for continued strength, discernment, direction, clarity of purpose, and thanking God over and over for saving me from what could have been complete destruction and devastation.
I heard, stop praying to make a difference if you refuse to BE the difference. Stop “wanting” to make your struggle count for a purpose greater than yourself, if you refuse to be obedient. Share your struggle with vulnerability and release your feelings of pride! How many times do I need to knock you in your head? I was like, ok God, I get it!
If you’ve been following my story then you already know that the timeline I started with was June 27, 2020 and in 25 parts, I have only made it to July 31, 2020, with only a pinch of what has and is still happening.🤯
I feel like I’m writing my second memoir. Yet again to heal and make a difference!
As you continue on this journey with me, remember, if your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you're imagining the abuse. Yet the emotional or physical pain is real. If this sounds familiar, you might be in a relationship that involves domestic violence.
For those of you just tuning in, here’s a quick recap:
June 27, 2020
After 3 months of speculation, suspicion, anguish and watching how the behaviors of my husband and my nephew’s wife (Tricksy Cunningham) around each other shift, it was confirmed that not only were they having an affair, but they were legit building a relationship. I asked for a divorce; he ignored my request, continued to lie, and made me out to be the crazy one.
Do you recognize or consider any of the conversations below as abusive?
July 10, 2020
I filed for a divorce. Dick received divorce papers via email, came home and went ballistic.
For 1 hour; 45minutes and 57 seconds; he threatened that he would have killed me if he was with me when he received the papers, threatened to take away my livelihood if I did not rescind the divorce.
He said I was lucky he was with Cookie (mistress #1/biz partner) when he received the email, because she’s half the reason he didn’t come choke my ass out
Berated me and called me stupid
He warned me that he was dangerous, very dangerous
Said, you have no idea what it’s like to be not liked by me; I would have killed you, look at me when I’m talking to you…
The best that I’ve gotten out of this relationship is taking care of you, I never should have married you
how fucking stupid can you be, even if you made $10k/mo you would not have enough to take care of your needs
You have a lot of needs Sarah, you benefit from me being low down, you have a medical condition and any man you get with will have a problem with it, if he does he should take care of you
I’m responsible for you and I love you; are there strings attached, yes; there’s emotional attachment; they would have to kill me first before I let someone tell me to not take care of you; what I have is because of your contributions; is what Tricksy did to you fu@ked up, absolutely, I am truly sorry…
Sarah I’m not going to abandon you, I won’t let my daughters see me do that to someone they care about;
I don’t care about the money; what keeps you at peace; fu@king over you would disrupt my peace
Hurting you financially would disrupt my peace and I will not do that to you Sarah; you said something against the man who is your benefactor; but you are not a vengeful low-down bitch
I hope you will allow this conversation to alleviate any fears; Sarah I am not going to take from you; you can’t discard everyone who doesn’t align with your beliefs; my response: like you do; his response: I make the money…at the end of the day all you have to offer is kindness…
At a minimum you’re bringing in $5200/mo in cash payments and it’s because you stood by me when I didn’t have sh@t; but I hold the cards…
In many people’s eyes I’m a low-down piece of shit but everyone needs something from me
He chastised, berated, belittled, threatened, then declared his love for me, said that I earned the lifestyle I was living and vowed to take care of me.
July 11, 2020 – Rescinded Divorce at his request, threats and out of fear
July 15, 2020 - I had an endoscopy procedure performed on me, and the results showed an ulcer deep and the size of a grapefruit.
July 19, 2020 – Dick asked me to go away with him to San Antonio for a weekend spa getaway and “couple's” massage; I declined the invitation, then for 51minutes/18 seconds he blamed and berated me for having affair with my nephews wife; gaslit me did a lot of blame shifting, called me self-righteous, judgmental, said 51 times that I was not the “perfect wife”, then claimed to love me, said I was the only uncorrupt person in his life, then said Tricksy was a gutter rat, that she was just as low-down as he was, was the first person with open legs and open ears and then he became the victim?
July 23, 2020 (1 hour; 34 minutes and 39 seconds Promises to take care of me, but warned me to stay in line and play the game; apologized for the way he dishonored his queen; then more blame shifting, gaslighting me, and once again deflecting from their betrayal – it was a psychological tug of war on my heart and emotions.
Dick:
EVERYTHING is a result of YOUR lie to Tricksy
You devastated Tricksy because you lied to her
Tricksy feels that you lied to her to deceive her into staying with your nephew and so she wouldn’t cheat on him
She could no longer trust you because you told her a lie that you wanted to cheat on me but didn’t just to manipulate her into staying with and so she wouldn’t cheat on your nephew.
Sarah:
This girl is an opportunist, she wanted my life, wanted to fu@k my husband, and fu@k up my sh@t and you willing gave it to her and that is the ONLY reason she told you what I said to her because she had no idea the story was made up and how in the hell did it HURT her?
Dick:
We both had you on a pedestal but you jumped off because of that ONE lie and WE reacted.🤯
YOU should have apologized to that girl
Did you ever think that she was hurting because of the lie you told her; she trusted you and you hurt her
She told me what you said because she was looking out for me
I love you and I want you to heal
Let’s talk so we can try to save and salvage us
I will always be here to take care of you🤯
July 28, 2020 (A part of my impassioned plea to Dick:
“Dick, the last thing I want or need is to fight or be at odds with you. This is already toxic and fucked up on it's own without added drama. I'm just tired. Scared and uneasy about the shaky foundation beneath me. It's painful to talk and to look at you because of all this... I feel like every conversation is one-sided and your continued efforts to drive home how this is all my fault and if so, I get it.
I'm in an impossible situation of smile, don't go outside the line, be a good lil girl if you don't want the man who shattered and broke your heart to hate YOU and leave you high and dry. The reason I don't talk to you is I immediately get sick to my stomach. I'm not trying to be ugly or mean or dismissive in anyway, it's just too soon I guess for me.
I understand I made up a story to her in an effort to help, definitely not to manipulate her to not hurt Your nephew that's ridiculous, and yes I lied to you initially about the picture, but did this warrant my husband and my niece to sneak around my back, in front of my face, at my home, at the Club, to fuck and literally date and build a relationship while smiling in my face and making it seem like I'm the crazy one?
So yes I filled for divorce because I believed talking to you was going to illicit more lies and the charade would have continued...I didn't know what else to do.
I'm sick, I'm tied, exhausted and don't want to hurt anymore Dick. I'm scared, feel totally alone and am angry but can't express it so I won't upset YOU? This is some sick sh@t and I really don't care if the whole damn world believes it 100% my fault that what I lied about and made up forced my husband and my niece into an affair...I don't care!
I just want to try and put my life back together. Heal my heart, my soul, my body and finish my book. If you're happy Dick I'm happy for you and wish you only the best. I tried everything in me to be good to you, support you and love you for 15 years, all I want and need is what I've worked for and PEACE.
I don't want to be afraid that I'm gonna lose everything because you don't like me anymore...sorry if I'm not being my normal self but this shit is painful as hell 😢and with the dynamics of the situation and who's involved it was gonna be a ratchet ass shit show no matter what.”
(He responded with the same promises to give me the world, then threaten to take it all away, he would build me up, then tear me down, deeply apologize for hurting me, then say it was my fault.)
***To understand the full scope of “the story” I made up and why I told Tricksy, please read my full blog.***
Dick:
“I am consumed inside by darkness from the trauma i endured locked up. I do good at keeping it all at bay but i am very broken inside. My I don't give a fuck attitude exists as a safety net.
Cookie broke a big part of me and my grandmother mother dying killed a part of my spirit.
No excuses but just the reasons. My being broken caused me to break you.
I'm so sorry love. I also understand your hurt, fear and frustration caused you to go to that lawyer. I understand and accept that. I do forgive you and know that my actions caused your reactions. Im so sorry.
My response:
“I understand what past hurts can do to a person but in the words of Dick T. Fiend: "Get over it loser"...it happened now what you gone do? Don't let your past dictate your future"...remember that speech? Or stop using that crutch...niggahs still enslaved and need to let that shit go😏 I too was hurt and have been by my dad and 2 other men in my life, but I made a vow that I would be different with you and not make you pay for past experiences. I made good on that promise. After I was broken when you lied to and betrayed me with Cookie I held my own, respected and loved myself and the decision you made...forgave you and eventually trusted you with my heart again... I never tried to get revenge and NEVER EVER wanted to hurt you in retaliation...and even though I'm broken in pieces now... I'm still standing strong by the Grace of God and the memory of Mommy...with no ill will, no hate in my heart or desire to hurt you in response.
After everything that's been done I STILL love and care for you. I've prayed for you so many nights as I literally cried myself to sleep everyday for a month...just hating to know you are plagued with such destructive demons inside your soul...it's heartbreaking...I've mourned the loss of our family... knowing it will never be the same, there's no growing old together is a dream of mine that will no be fulfilled is soul crushing and I'm sooooooo sorry I didn't recognize how unhappy you were, but how was I to know...I can't read minds. I realize family doesn't mean much or matter to you but it's everything to me. I hate this experience but I'm praying to God to continue to bless us individually moving forward and that we embrace the hard lessons once revealed.”😏🙏🏼
His response:
“Family does mean everything to me but how we define and focus on family is different.
Yours is time, love and togetherness... mine is making sure this world cannot shit on my ladies because they don't have money.
I am money centered because that is how I protect all of you.
I am emotionally empty-handed much of the time because I am in a constant battle to provide safety for all of you.
I guess I am just great at one and horrible at the other.
I left but am still committed to taking care of you as if I haven't left. Do you understand how deep my commitment to love and protect you based on this.
I need to protect you and care for you Marie because who else will and even if they do ... who can do better than me?
I want to love, protect and take care of you because I know you need me and I know you want me to be the one to keep you safe.
You know these men out here are full of shit, lazy and looking for a woman to live off of. I was commissioned by God to take care of you. He just picked a very broken soldier to do His will on this one. :)”
July 30, 2020 (25:24; I’m not concerned about how other people feel about what I did; talking to me about his relationship with my nephew’s wife? more deflecting from HIS betrayal, now he’s the victim – MENTAL, EMOTIONAL ANGUISH AND ABUSE. It was a continuous vicious cycle.)
Everybody is concerned about how they’re affected but no one has ever asked me how I’m feeling
I’m sorry how y’all are affected but I cannot worry about that, it’s exhausting and debilitating🤯
I have a personal, professional and spiritual responsibility to you.
I talked to you and 3 other women I love and respect and you all said the same thing about Tricksy
I made the decision that I needed to test Tricksy and she failed miserably, which is good for me, you and her cause she needs to focus on being a mom
Your life was significantly affected because of HER actions
I love you, I love Cookie and I love Angel and am committed to taking care of all of you, but I have to worry about me too.
You can’t take care of me on the level of the problems I have, in fact, you only endanger yourself by being too close to me, that’s not a good place for you to be in because I will hurt you emotionally.
I can’t take care of it by being here with you or in a relationship with Tricksy. I see Tricksy in a different way. I set her up and she proved herself to be a liar and showed me that if I was to continue a relationship with her, she would allow your nephew to come between us and I just can’t be in a relationship where I have to be concerned about that; and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has small kids. If I was in a relationship with Tricksy, I would have to deal with your nephew and I don’t like, respect or care about him and I don’t want to have to deal with him because I’m in a relationship with his ex bitch!🤯🤯🤯
July 31, 2020 more threats, then I love you’s and promises to always take care of me.
After I rescinded the divorce papers, and he came to my home to work (his computer was still there) grab clothes and because I had my bedroom door locked, he was upset.
Said that I was lucky that I rescinded the divorce because 3 days after Cookie would be driving my shit.
Threatened that he would hire someone to set me the fu@k up and embarrass me publicly if we had gone to court.
He would hire people to perjure themselves and lie on me to completely destroy me, my image, my reputation and burn it all down.
That if he went to court with me, there’s no way I would win, cause it’s all about who tells the best lie and he would tell the best lie.
That he would set me up and would embarrass me and humiliate me and run me out of the country.
Then said, but I didn’t do it because I love you too much and I could never treat you like an enemy.
Said my filing for a divorce was fu@ked up but didn’t want me to be afraid of him so I didn’t need to lock my doors, but he worried that I would say the wrong thing to my brother & sister; things would get out of hand and something deadly would happen.
Then promised, I ain’t gonna walk away and shun all my responsibilities and leave my spouse high and dry. I’m not your dad, I’m me.
Then said every opportunity I had to be a real low-down piece of shit where you were concerned, I chose not to because I love you.
Do you recognize or believe anything he said as abusive?
July 10, 2020 – September, 2022
Asked Dick at least 6 times for a divorce. To please just get with his attorney, draw up the papers, that I would sign & that I just wanted him to be fair. That I didn’t want to rake him over the coals or ask for anything more than what I was currently getting and to maintain my lifestyle. HE NEVER DID & ALWAYS DISMISSED IT as a way to continue controlling me.
The rabbit hole is so deep and cumbersome, yet worth excavating to set me free, be the example of strength, courage, fight, and help someone else in the process.🙏🏽
I feel like I was hoodwinked, bamboozled, and lead astray by the representative they presented! When all along the dark, sinister part of who they really were was lurking, simmering to come out, and masked with charm, charisma and compassion, veiled with lies, deceit and love with condition.
Have you ever asked yourself questions, like:
How could I have been so wrong about someone?
Did I miss or ignore obvious red flags?
Why did I stay so long in an abusive, disrespectful relationship?
Did I waste years of loving, supporting, accepting, believing in, trusting, defending, sacrificing for, standing up for, respecting, and honoring someone undeserving of my unconditional love?
Look, I believe with everything in me, that every relationship good or bad, is designed to help us grow, and to teach us things about ourselves that would not exist without certain people and experiences that lead us to our purpose. Still, we are human.
There is no way of escaping external circumstances that will cause us pain, heartbreak, disappointment and grief. The pain we feel is inevitable, however “suffering” through it, is a choice. I have mastered the art of “Finding Joy In The Reality Of What Is!”
Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to evolve at your pace. We are the arborators of our own suffering. We are inherently conditioned to believe less of who we are, it is only with intention that we can alter our belief systems.
It took me a long time to admit that what I had experienced was abuse. I conditioned myself to believe his behavior was normal; that it was okay, he’s just talking.
I would always make excuses for him, and convince myself that this was just his way of loving me. I chose to put my attention on the “good times” and the part of him I wanted to see and believe in. After all, he wasn’t physically beating my ass, so it’s not really abuse, right?
But you cannot heal what you don’t acknowledge. Love is not deception, and betrayal, and disrespect., or love bombing with the intent to control and provide a false sense of security.
Acknowledging the abuse, allows me space to deal with the emotional, mental, psychological, and financial trauma that ultimately exacerbates my physical body.
So it is imperative that I operate from a place of love and what better way to do that than to start with loving and honoring me.
The one thing I don’t have, nor do I want to have is the capacity or ability to control someone else’s behavior. The only control I desire is over ME. My behavior, my mind, my heart, my soul, and my ability to master my thoughts as it relates to the trauma.
Part 27 and beyond will be posted every Monday, Wednesday & Friday!
Have an amazing weekend everyone!
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