Part 30 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
Dammit mannnnnnn! LISTEN!
The majority of my days are filled with hope, and positive expectancy, and joy, and gratitude, and faith, and laughter, and so much love; then there are days like yesterday when reality hits me harder than normal. It’s called being human.
So, I got out of bed, pressed my body against the side of the mattress to lean over and reach for my phone that was a little more than an arms reach away. My foot slipped and now my chest was on the bed and my legs were straight behind me.
I immediately started a full-on conversation with myself of “girl you got this”, “thank you Jesus for giving me the strength to pull myself up”, ummmmm, nothing was working. Every time I tried to get my feet close enough to the bed and underneath me to stand up, they would slip again. With all my breath and positively affirming that I could do it, I realized that my mind and body were at war with each other.
For most, that’s just a simple, oh shit, I almost fell but let me pull myself back up and grab this damn phone. For me, not that simple. I was leaning on my left arm/elbow which caused my shoulder (the one I dislocated last year) to pop like Rice Krispie’s and give out. That hurt like the dickens (remember when your momma used to say that?😂)
Anyway, it was painful, so I methodically attempted to shift to the right elbow, yes, the one that is tender to the touch, has 2 metal plates and 14 screws in it. I knew immediately that wasn’t going to work. Finally, I surrendered, to the slip down, got to my knees and crawled to the bathroom.
After 5 attempts, and 20 minutes later, I made it safely to sit my butt down on Bertha (the walker).😅 In the stillness and quietness of the moment, the reality of my condition hit me harder than usual.
My heart was aching for my mom’s voice and embrace. I started to weep thinking about her decline and how badly she wanted to walk and regain her independence.😭 We would often encourage and push her to move more, but in this instance where “I” at a young 58, with no surgeries on my knees, or other underlying health issues, physically did not have the ability to stand up.
It spawned me into a downward spiral of regret for failing to understand just how hard she was trying. I love you, and I miss you and your precious, beautiful heart and Spirit so much Marie LaVerne Shay-Smith.♥️
Right before the incident, I received a Zelle for $76 from Dick Fiend, who is currently $33,661.00 in default of spousal support, and has paid me a grand total of $307.00 this year.
All I could think about was the $22,000 away from getting stem cell treatments that could reverse the effects of my neurological condition, start me on the path to healing this thief in my temple, with much needed therapy.
I reflected on this one conversation in particular when Dick had threatened and warned me what he would do if I filed for a divorce or wrote my book speaking about his affair with Tricksy, (unless I told the whole story, which I did).
At the time, I was still his wife, my mother’s daughter, a bonus mom to his daughter’s, not his doormat or child, yet he treated me and chastised me as if I was.
1. “You will forfeit the ability to get much needed therapy, because I know how to hide my shit”.
2. “You’re gonna find yourself in a motherfu@kin train wreck Sarah, and make me force you to go to court and let them white folks tell me how much to give you a month, and it ain’t gonna be $4,200 for the house, $1,000 for the car, it ain’t gonna be nowhere near that. It ain’t gone be no trips to Costa Rica, it ain’t gone be no insurance, it ain’t gone be therapy, it ain’t gone be none of that. They gone give you just enough to survive on and you will truly know what it’s like to be a woman who got left and fucked over.”
3. “YES, I WILL USE MONEY AGAINST YOU IF I HAVE TO.”
4. “What you didn’t go through is living over there at yo sister’s house, not having transportation, really knowing what it’s like to be somebody with a medical condition who can’t work and produce for themselves, so they’re at the fate of the fucking world.”
5. “You wanna be totally independent, then you go fuck somebody else that will make you independent, or you go do whatever it takes to become independent, but until you get to that point, you need to wake the fuck up and smell the real flowers. And you know what the real flowers are, don’t nobody give a shit about you. That’s how this world works.”
6. “Nobody cares about the nice people…and you know why they care about me, because they can get something from me. Including Cookie. Including that bitch Tricksy, including Angel…they, the kids…they care about what they can get. They don’t care about me.”
7. “I understand you’re trying to deal with your emotional hurt and frustration, but you’re gonna make it a whole lot worse if you fuck around and make this kind of mistake. Because, I don’t need a good reputation to make money.”
8. “I ain’t asked you for no pu$$y, and let me…just so you understand, I fu@k women that I’m going to be spending a lot of money on. If I’m gone be spending this kind of money, I’m gone be fu@king that woman. Period. Now you can shake yo head…oh Dick’s so horrible all you want to, guess what, ain’t no angel’s out there. It’s only devils with good hearts. That’s all that’s out there.”
9. “I am that guy that no matter what battle I have to fight, I’m going to win, even if that battle is against you.”
10. “Cookie did the exact same thing you did, she got down and followed my vision and gave her best and contributed. But she smart enough to know ok, I’m gone fuck this niggah behind Sarah’s back, because this niggah is keeping me safe and secure as a 50 somethin year old woman and I’m not willing to go out there in these streets and be independent and moral, I’d rather be a side bitch who’s taken care of…and the only reason you not my side bitch is because I haven’t required that of you to have all this.”
Anyone who knows me, knows how deeply I am affected by matters of the heart, betrayal, hateful behavior, and injustices. It impacts me on a whole other level emotionally, mentally and physically. My holding things in, and operating from fear is precisely what has led to this “crippling” condition.
As I reflected yesterday on the chain of events, I had to take some time and a mental health day (the reason I did not post). I realized that my physical body reacted from what I internalized the moment I saw the Zelle from Dick, and flashbacks from the trepidation, along with rapid heartbeats, I felt from the day of that conversation (just one of hundreds), I sat and listened to him berate, threaten and disrespect me for close to 2 hours.
Intellectually, I know the amount of hatred and evil behavior he is demonstrating towards me, is in actuality not about me at all, it is a direct reflection of his insecurities, ego, and referendum on how he feels about himself and the battle within himself. Still, it is emotionally daunting and harrowing.
I continue to pray for his soul. The level of pain you must be in, the hatred in your heart, and the negative energy it takes to purposely inflict hurt and harm on another human being, let alone someone you claimed to have loved has to be all consuming. One other thing he said to me that rings true, is that “taking from you Sarah, and fu@king over you financially would disrupt my peace”, and in many ways I believe it is!
God reminded me that HE is my source! My Redeemer! That all I need to do is keep my eyes solely focused on Him! I will continue to believe and trust that God will prepare my table in the face of my enemies and tell my story with the belief it will make a difference.
❤️”Strength isn’t built in comfort. It’s forged in the moments when giving up felt easier, but she chose to fight instead.”🔥💪🦸♀️
- Limitless Motivation
Love and Light,
Sarah Marie🌹
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