Part 40 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who, What & How The Fuck Have I Survived The Unthinkable!”
LISTEN!
Happy Woman’s History Month!🥳👏
"Owning our story can be difficult, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it!”
- Brene Brown
“The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse, is when you attempt to leave or end the relationship.”
- CODA
When I filed for divorce the 1st time back in July 2020, it was simply to remove myself from a situation that wasn’t healthy for me. That’s what you do when you discover your husband is having an affair with your nephew’s wife.
No matter how foul and ratchet it was, I expressed over, and over, my sincere desires to see him happy, for me to be at peace, to heal, and to move on with my life. I only asked for fairness.
It was met with threats and demands like:
* “You’re lucky I was with Cookie when I received the email, because she’s half the reason I didn’t come choke yo ass out”
* “I would have killed you Sarah; I would have been in jail for murder that night”
* “You have no idea what it’s like to not be liked by me; I am dangerous, very dangerous”
* I appealed that I earned my lifestyle, and the response was, “yes, until you go behind my back, I would have killed you, look at me”
* “How fucking stupid can you be, even if you made $10k/mo you would not have enough to take care of your needs”
* “You have a lot of needs Sarah, you benefit from me being low down, you have a medical condition and any man you get with will have a problem with it, if he does he should take care of you”
* “If you know what’s good for you, you will rescind that thing”
* “In many people’s eyes I’m a low-down piece of shit but everyone needs something from me”
So, yes, afraid of what would happen, and facing a whole different set of challenges and vulnerabilities that came with my disability, that he was fully aware of and used it against me, I did as I was told.
I rescinded the divorce.
The result of me finally needing to protect my peace, creating boundaries, honoring and loving myself enough to say no more,
completing my memoir as a way for me to heal old wounds, to be able to take care of myself, to inspire others past their pain, (and it was important for me to do it on my own, without his voice in my head telling me that I was “black, a woman, sick, and poor without a “sponsor”, and that no one cared about me or my story.”)
I mean can you imagine hearing those words from your husband?
Hearing those words, didn’t deter me, break me, or discourage me from achieving the dream of releasing my memoir, instead, I was inspired and it fueled my passion to prove to myself that I could do it.
Several weeks after the release, I had a beautiful book launch release/signing party filled with love, family and friends from 8 different states and 1 country, which is an achievement he can never take away.❤️
Finally, after cutting off all communication with him on Oct. 20, 2022, for my own mental health and well-being, and filing for a divorce a 2nd time on Oct. 26, 2022, is what I believe led to him making good on EVERY other threat he ever made to me, and by the grace of God, with the exception of throwing me in the pool, killing me, choking my ass out, and burning the house down with me in the middle of it.
In my opinion, these actions challenged his ego, pride, dismantled his ability to control me, and as a result, unleashed the avalanche of evil, vindictive, dark behavior that he, on many occasions warned me would show up if I ever filed for a divorce and took him to court.
Oct. 16 - Oct 20, 2022, I received ~24 demanding, intimidating, cruel, stressful, hateful, heartless, “I love you”, “I’m trying to help you” text messages after he “heard” I spoke about my experience with his double betrayal and infidelity in my book.
From Oct.20 - Oct. 28, 2022, I received another 20+ demanding, intimidating, cruel, stressful, hateful, heartless, “I love you”, “I’m trying to help you” text messages that only stopped because they had my phone turned off.
Only because of recent revelations, court appearances, and motions filed against me, with the most current motion; RESPONDENT'S COMBINED MOTION TO DISMISS MOTION FOR
ENFORCEMENT AND MOTION TO TERMINATE SPOUSAL SUPPORT filed just a few days ago on March 19th citing defamation, just one week before my enforcement hearing, have I spent months going through the painful, yet cathartic process of combing through hundreds of documents, emails, text messages, exhibits filed, daunting facebook posts mocking me, affidavits, and subpoenas submitted that I didn’t even know existed, or that I had flat out ignored, basically sweeping things under the rug, praying that he would just stop, and doing everything in my power to AGAIN since July 10, 2020, move on.
Painful because of its vile nature, cathartic because it demonstrates my faith, tenacity, resilience, courage, strength, the unwillingness to quit, and just how much I have survived.
I realized that I’ve been in survival mode for so long, that I was remiss in processing through emotions that created the space to survive the unthinkable in the first place. Who can relate to this?
Reliving the trauma showed me how much I have grown, and the true value of how “I” perceive and frame what happens makes all the difference in what I experience.
I used to see these things happening as “his” way of trying to break me, destroy me, distract me, frustrate me to the point of collapse, and always “dragging” me back into court.
In truth, it is God’s way of showing me that no matter what is thrown at me, my Spirit is unbreakable. My Will can’t be destroyed. Attempts to distract me, only attracts me to my purpose. Frustration only fuels my resolve to keep fighting the good fight. “Dragging” me back to the courtroom has been a classroom of valuable lessons.
His actions continue to lend credibility and gives validation as to why this series exists at all.
I am reminded, with every action, of who he is, and why I risked it all to leave his orbit.
The two most powerful things I have left, after everything else that has been taken, thwarted, or interfered with, is my voice, and the truth; so I fully understand why there are continued attempts to silence both.
I may be exhausted, but I still have fight in me.
I AM a Survivor. I AM a Fighter. I AM a Warrior. I AM a Queen.
If you’ve ever faced a moment that felt too heavy to carry, too broken to fix, or too dark to understand, I see you and pray for your continued strength.
I get it! Sometimes what we need is not another opinion or explanation, what we need is to Trust in God with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding; but in all ways acknowledge Him and He will give us the desires of our heart.
Listen! God still performs miracles. He still moves mountains. He still sees all, and knows all. He still heals wounds. He still restores what was lost or broken. He still sees your tears, and hears the prayers you whisper when no one else is listening. He knows the weight you carry, even when you smile.
No matter what you are facing, YOU have incredible strength and resilience.
Please remember that challenges are often temporary, and even the hardest days eventually give way to better ones. I hope you can find moments of peace and hope as you navigate whatever situation you are facing.
Keep loving, laughing, giving, glowing, and experiencing as much joy as humanly possible.
You are not alone, and I am thinking of you.
Love and Light,
Sarah🌹
“A narcissist won’t do what’s right, they will only fight for control, attention, and the appearance of being a “good person”. They care more about impressing others. They won’t be good but will work hard to seem good and perfect to everyone else. A narcissist will get angry at you for ruining that image by simply telling the truth about what they said and did. A narcissist will avoid accountability at all costs, but they will provoke you just to use your reaction as a distraction from their actions, and the worst part; the world applauds their performance while you're left cleaning up the damage they caused behind closed doors.”
- Rising Above Narcissism
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