Part 44 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie

“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;

Who, What & How The Fuck Have I Survived The Unthinkable!”

LISTEN!

In the words of Donnie McClurkin

“After you’ve done all you can, just STAND!”

I AM Standing! In the Truth!  Up For Myself!  For A Community Of Survivors!  For The Vulnerable!  The Disabled!  Those Who Are Living In Fear!  Those Who’s Voices Have Been Silenced!

It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be free, the truth is my reality was living within the intersection of having a disability and his financial control.

The feeling of being trapped was amplified when my autonomy was predicated by whether or not he was happy, and I was compliant.

I was living with a disability, and the reliance on someone who controlled, used, and abused that as leverage, in my opinion to keep me beholden to him, created a stressful and harrowing set of barriers to my sanity and independence.

I have had to explore these complexities and shed light on what it truly means to navigate this type of situation.

I’m just gonna share a few more of my consistent interactions with Dick that displays my sincerity and my heart, before I dive into the diabolical nature on the Timeline Of Retaliation and what I have survived.

July 29, 2020

Yes, the sadness is overwhelming.  I want to get past this it's just gonna take time.  I'm still somewhat in disbelief of all that's happened and the numbing pain associated with it.  I too adored you from day one and have been your ride or die no matter who I had to check.  I do still care very much about what happens to you, so pleeeeease be happy but also be careful. I'm so tired Dick 😢

Dick:

Let’s try to slowly step forward. Question. Do u still love me?

Sarah:

I always will

Dick:

Do we forgive each other?

Sarah:

Already have

Dick:

I'm not an evil person but I am consumed inside by darkness from the trauma i endured. I do good at keeping it all at bay but i am very broken inside. My I don't give a fuck attitude exists as a safety net.

No excuses but just the reasons. My being broken caused me to break you.

I'm so sorry love.  I also understand your hurt, fear and frustration caused you to go to that lawyer. I understand and accept that. I DO FORGIVE YOU and know that my actions caused your reactions. Im so sorry.

My response:

I understand what past hurts can do to a person but in the words of Dick Fiend: "Get over it loser"...it happened now what you gone do?  Don't let your past dictate your future"...remember that speech?  Or stop using that crutch...niggahs still enslaved and need to let that shit go😏  I too was hurt and have been by my dad and 2 other men in my life, but I made a vow that I would be different with you and not make you pay for past experiences.  I made good on that promise.

After I was broken when you lied to and betrayed me with Cookie I held my own, respected and loved myself and the decision you made...forgave you and eventually trusted you with my heart again... I never tried to get revenge and NEVER EVER wanted to hurt you in retaliation...and even though I'm broken in pieces now... I'm still standing strong by the Grace of God and the memory of Mommy...with no ill will, no hate in my heart or desire to hurt you in response.

After everything that's been done I STILL love and care for you.  I've prayed for you so many nights as I literally cried myself to sleep everyday for a month...just hating to know you are plagued with such destructive demons inside your soul...it's heartbreaking...I've mourned the loss of our family... knowing it will never be the same, there's no growing old together is a dream of mine that will no be fulfilled is soul crushing and I'm sooooooo sorry I didn't recognize how unhappy you were, but how was I to know...I can't read minds.

I realize family doesn't mean much or matter to you but it's everything to me.  I hate this experience but I'm praying to God to continue to bless us individually moving forward and that we embrace the hard lessons once revealed.😏🙏🏼

His response:

“You can't read minds and my not talking about things to you was a part of me protecting you from anything that would upset you and make things worse of you.

I didn't talk to protect you but not talking led to even greater hurt for both of us.

Its a vicious loop to be caught in. Its not your fault at all.

😢

Family does mean everything to me but how we define and focus on family is different.

Yours is time, love and togetherness... mine is making sure this world cannot shit on my ladies because they don't have money.

I am money centered because that is how I protect all of you.

I am emotionally empty-handed much of the time because I am in a constant battle to provide safety for all of you.

I guess I am just great at one and horrible at the other.

I left but am still committed to taking care of you as if I haven't left. Do you understand how deep my commitment to love and protect you based on this.

I need to protect you and care for you Marie because who else will and even if they do ... who can do better than me?

I want to love, protect and take care of you because I know you need me and I know you want me to be the one to keep you safe.

You know these me out here are full of shit, lazy and looking for a woman to live off of.  I was commissioned by God to take care of you. He just picked a very broken soldier to do His will on this one. :)”

2 days later he was back to his threatening, and intimidating behavior.

#knowyourworth #protectyourheart #leadwithlove🌹

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