Part 18 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
For anonymous, confidential help 24/7/365, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat online @ www.thehotline.org
In the spirit of complete transparency, and vulnerability, I feel it necessary to share the good, the bad and the ugly truth so that your perspective is not swayed by only my words and my side of the journey with abuse. You will be able to experience it through the eyes, actions and words of my abuser.
In April 2020, the day before Easter, my husband came home, confronted me in the bathroom and asked: “You know I’m crazy, right?” I responded: “Yes, why?” “Did you tell Tricksy that you wanted to cheat on me with your ex-boyfriend when you were in Miami with your sister, but didn’t because he was out of town?” I immediately answered: “Yes, I did. I made it up after she told me that she wanted to cheat on my nephew but that she hadn’t YET!” I was caught off guard, tried to be relatable and appeal to her that the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side.
He chose to believe the worst about me , said that he didn’t believe it was made up and threatened to throw me in the bottom of the pool. He went on to ask if I showed Tricksy a pic of my ex and I immediately lied and said no, just out of fear that he would make good on his threat. When he asked a second time, I came clean that yes, I did, after she asked me to.
It will make sense to you why I had to share this as you go on this journey with me. This became the bane of contention and the ONE reason Dick bashed and blamed me for his affair with Tricksy. He wanted me to be accountable for something that never happened, and for something I SAID to her, not him. The craziest part of this story: At the time I was in Miami about to go on a 50th birthday cruise for my sister, Dick and I were still married, however separated, and he was living with Cookie - mistress #1🤯
I am sharing the conversation below in its totality because this is only the beginning of the verbal tongue lashing, the emotional distress, the mental warfare, and the psychological turmoil I experienced.
I had to choose my battles, and this is one of them that I refused to engage in for several reasons.
1. I was still shell shocked from his threats of killing me and taking away my livelihood just for filing for a simple divorce.
2. He was present, sitting across from me and I did not want anything to escalate.
3. There was no point because it wouldn’t change his beliefs, what had already happened, my wanting a divorce, to be at peace, heal my heart, maintain the lifestyle I worked for, what I was promised, AND wanting HIS happiness.
4. The damage was already done, and I just wanted to move on.
5. I didn’t feel the need or desire to defend what I knew in my heart wasn’t true.
6. I recognized he was deflecting, blame shifting and projecting his true thoughts and feelings onto me.
7. I was broken and exhausted!
July 19, 2020
Dick asked me to go away with him to San Antonio for a weekend spa getaway and couple's massage; I declined the invitation, then for 51minutes/18 seconds he contradicted himself, blamed and berated me for having affair with my nephews wife; called me and my family self righteous and judgmental, gaslit me and did a lot of blame shifting then he became the victim?
Dick:
You had a reason, so it shouldn’t mean that much to me? And you already know that I am a person who has been fucked over; over and over and over again. You’ve been fucked over by men and most of it was just men shit that men do. Every man that you loved cheated on you. Every man that you loved went behind your back with some ex. Maybe at some point you start to evaluate that. At some point you start to look at that and be like, why is it that every man I get with seem to gravitate back to something that he had instead of into what I have to offer. (He is now weaponizing past experiences that I shared with him against me). And Sarah whether you want to hear this or not, baby, your sense of self-righteousness is extremely, extremely disruptive in a relationship.
Sarah:
Ok.
Dick:
And your non-chalant, ok, fuck it, no big deal, fuck it…I think, at some point, hopefully, you will at least try to embrace the fact that you can be a problem with someone because you do put yourself on a pedestal, you do put yourself on a high horse and at a minimum, you can make someone feel like they live in your shadow. Now you can laugh it off, but hey guess what, it takes a pretty arrogant, egotistical, self-centered person to inform another woman that she attempted to be unfaithful in her relationship and think that it would never come out.
That takes a very self-righteous, self-centered person to think it would never come out. The very person that always preaches, what’s in the dark, will come to light. The very person…oh everything that’s in the dark, but this very same person that says, everything done in the dark, will come to light, tells another woman hey, I tried to cheat on a man who sent me on this trip, who was still taking care of me, who had me in the house, never took anything from me, even when we separated and the only reason I didn’t do it is because travel plans changed with the guy I was trying to fuck, not it was my better sense of morality and right and wrong why I didn’t do it.
I don’t think you, you, you understand that you didn’t tell Tricksy you didn’t fuck your ex because you thought it was the wrong thing to do and because that’s who you are, you just told her travel plans changed. And Marie, I don’t know where you come from where you believe that, I can do no wrong. You know I think you’re so caught up on reading books, listening to your brother, connecting with the earth and the trees, reading the stars, consulting with the moon, you’re so busy doing these things that are, that you call spiritually uplifting and soul fulfilling, that you don’t actually take 5 seconds to think about the practical things and nature of what’s going on in your own home.
Because you don’t, I don’t think you understand Marie, you do live a life of judgement. You do, now you don’t call it that, because you’ve come up with some other classy definition, a way of saying, but you do live in judgement, and because you do that, it makes you minimize things that you do, impact that those things have because you refuse to see that…and it’s not a do no wrong attitude, it’s a, well any wrong I do is not that bad, it’s just not really that bad. Does that make sense to you? And this is exactly how you’ve been since day one okay.
Now, part of the reason things went so far for so long is because I actually did look up to you, okay. I convinced myself that you in a lot of ways were better than me, okay. And so, and that was okay, but that belief created a very, very deep responsibility on your part (I guess I was trying to move something because he said, here I got it, I got it and went right back to projecting onto me who he is and deflecting from his deceit, lies and betrayal) that created a very, very deep responsibility on your part. I’m not saying you were derelict but I am saying, Marie, have you ever stepped back to ask yourself; ok could the impact of things that I say or do, have a greater effect on this person than I think they might? Have you ever one time stepped back to evaluate that? Or was it always, well I don’t intend wrong, and I know I’m the perfect wife, and I know…which one has it been? Have you ever stepped back to say, could things that I do or say impact him on a level that I don’t understand? Did you?
Sarah:
Sure.
Dick:
So you have stepped back and evaluated could things that I’m saying and doing impact…after I approached you with that thing, why didn’t you come back to me after that conversation and say, Dick how did my lying to you, how did this whole thing, how did it really hit you and affect you? Why didn’t you at least try? Because I didn’t go jump on top of Tricksy the next day, why didn’t you come back and say to me, Dick, did what you heard from Tricksy, did what you experience with me when you confronted me about it, did it hit you in any way that I don’t know about or maybe I’m not allowing myself, because I really think Sarah you walked away from that conversation like, ok I’ve addressed it, everything is good now, even though I lied to him and he had to catch me in a lie and then I crawfished out of a lie and even though the hearing of this was de…you became more focused on Tricksy’s betrayal of what you said as opposed to the impact on me of what you said.
Everything was about that bitch and that bitch and what she said…we had one conversation, but you spent weeks bitching about Tricksy’s betrayal of you but not 5 seconds on the potential impact of you being dishonest with me right to my face. (Remember the lie I “made up” was to Tricksy, not Dick and the only thing I was dishonest to Dick about initially was showing a pic of my ex boyfriend to Tricksy, after he had threatened to throw me in the bottom of the pool, and that I immediately came clean about. This man slept with my nephew’s wife and is now justifying and blaming me for doing it because of a made-up story to someone else, and ONE quick lie, turned truth about a freaking picture. At the time Tricksy did not know it was made up, nor did she know that at the time I was in Miami, Dick and I were separated and he was living with and sleeping with his ex- girlfriend Cookie. The hypocrisy was demented.🤯)
And so what Tricksy became was somebody to talk to. My feelings about what YOU did, about what you said, I had those discussions with her, not you. And you do live in judgement because your thing is well, I’m not gonna talk to him because I made it alright, we’re good everything’s cool, I don’t need to bring it up again, or well I know what he’s gonna say anyway so I’m not gonna talk to him, so I started talking to her about it.
Sarah:
MmmHmm
Dick:
Even now it feels like you just don’t give a shit, because you can’t connect to the fact that you know Sarah is is really…and maybe this is what you have to do to survive your condition, you have to put yourself on this judgmental, I’m so connected and I always…when you say to me you’re the perfect wife, you have no clue how wrong you are. Because the perfect wife should be a judgement of the person who’s married to that wife, not her own judgement. You never once came back to me and said, Dick, how did it effect you when you heard the news that I tried to stab you in the fucking back? You never, ever, sat me down and asked me that. You always made your decision, deemed everything to be ok, because of course it should be. You never talked to me, you never even asked. And did I want to talk about it? Hell no, but would I have talked to you about it, absolutely.
And I’m not blaming you for Tricksy, but I’m telling you, every conversation that I had about the depth of betrayal that took me back 20 years was with her. And through that communication with her it became a situation where now she’s the empathetic ear, that will listen and not tell me, well Dick you know you think you can do no wrong but you can do your conniving and scheming and all this stuff and everybody else cannot make a simple mistake. I never heard that from her. I never heard that from her at all. What I would hear from Tricksy is; well it’s fucked up, now don’t overreact Dick, but it’s fucked up. And I’m only as…ok Marie, because I do care about you and love you, th…I’m trying not to be the old me, I’m trying not to be consumed by everything dark and evil. Did you one second think, I need to go to this man and understand how he has been impacted by this?
One time? Did it even ever cross your mind? Or did you just think, well it’s over, he walked away, I don’t have to address it anymore? Did you ever think about that? (At this I have not spoken one word in 13 minutes and 26 seconds. He asks questions, yet does not give me the opportunity to speak) And this is why it’s so frustratingly impossible to talk to you because I can never get by the fact that you think you’re the perfect wife. You think you’re the perfect person. You don’t think you are perfect, but you think you’re the perfect whatever; and somebody who thinks they’re the perfect wife cannot humble herself and come to me and say; hey how did what I t…do impact you? Because I guarantee you, me and Tricksy would have never started because me and Tricksy started based on somebody was finally listening to me without judging me through her, “I’m the perfect person lense.”
And for another corrupt person, another person who understood what it felt like to be judged. Another person who lived under the constant scrutiny of “you should be the way I should be”, it was nice to be listened to by somebody who didn’t have the perspective of…and this is just straight up, you know what Tricksy’s point with me always was, is that well Dick you know what, you take care of everybody. You do everything for everybody, so maybe you being a complete dickhead and I can do no wrong, maybe that’s what you have to do in order to do for all of us. I appreciated it.
Now, honestly Marie, it would have been nice to hear that from you, but all I’ve heard from you this whole time is, Tricksy, Tricksy, Tricksy, Tricksy, Tricksy. Never once, Sarah needs to communicate with this man she is married to and forget about Tricksy for a minute. Because the more you talk down on Tricksy, the more I listened to her. The more you made her the focus of the problem…you didn’t even acknowledge it’s not about what Tricksy told me, it’s about what you told her.
So every conversation I had with Tricksy about anything dealing with me is because you wouldn’t talk to me from a perspective of, I’m not the perfect wife. I’m a flawed, fucked up person and, it’s like and you would wonder where a lot of things I would say about you and your family and the high horse attitude that you have, and it’s really you and your brother, you guys are fucking high-horse individuals who are literally jocking yourself because you think you’re so connected to everything spiritual and wonderful and everybody else is just not on your level and that’s how you come across.
Now, I don’t live with yo brother, I ain’t married to him so ultimately it don’t fucking matter, but where you are concerned Marie, a big part of our problem has been you always felt like you were being the perfect wife, so you could never take 5 seconds to evaluate what does the perfect wife mean to a husband like Dick. And it wasn’t birthday party’s and celebrations and Christmas parties and gifts, it wasn’t that. That is not the perfect wife to me Sarah. The perfect wife to me is show me you are a bitch, who can be corrupt and rotten and dirty just like I have to be and let’s talk on that level every now and then.
Not, I’m in judgement of you Dick because you just can’t b…and I’m not saying I don’t bear a lot of blame for everything that went wrong in this relationship. I loved Cookie from day one and I never stopped and I got into a marriage with you and I never stopped loving this woman; and it caused all kinds of fucked up shit between me and you. But Marie, you were always so busy telling me how perfect of a wife you were, but do you recall ever one time you asking me what my definition of what a perfect wife is? Do you ever recall one time doing it? Do you? In fifteen years have you ever asked me, Dick, what is your definition of perfection as far as a wife is concerned? Not that you had to conform and change who you were, but did you ever even ask? And this is why I have been so frustrated with you about this because, you have never even tried to understand Marie, is that that information from Tricksy changed everything, and do you remember how angry you were and how much bitterness you had for her because she told me, but you never once came to talk about me about how it impacted me.
And you know goddam good and well had you said Dick I need to talk to you, sit down please and let me say this to you, husband you thought that I tried to fuck over you when I took that trip to Miami cause Tricksy told you that; I need to know how that impacted you, and the fact that I lied to you when you confronted me. How did that impact you? What conversation can we have about that to try to fix any damage that was done. You were too busy being pissed off at her, and all the while, she became the very person that was consoling me and communicating with me; and Cookie. But Cookie was minor, but YOU let other women communicate with me in a way that you refused to do it. And I know the reason you refused to do it, because you think you’re the perfect wife and you didn’t think you had to come back and talk to me. And that whole week while you were plottin and planning that shit with that lawyer, I was trying to talk to you, but again, you were so focused on how you were affected by what I did that you never stopped for 5 seconds to think, could there have been something that caused this.
Even if…and it’s not that Dick wasn’t wrong, because Dick was definitely wrong, but it was…could there have been something that I did, that happened between us that would cause him to go so low as to fuck around with Tricksy of all people. No, you were just mad at her, you were mad at me, you were upset, are you trying to kill me Dick? It was all about what was being done to you, and so then you go hire this fucking lawyer to try to make yourself feel better. Sweetheart, the question I’m asking you, did you ever stop to think about the impact that shit had on me? With any of the energy you used to focus on being mad at Tricksy because she told me? And I agree her telling me was fucked up. That was a private, intimate conversation between you and her, who were very close so I get that it was fucked up, but my question to you Sarah and I’m saying this because I’m trying not to be who I’ve always been, so I am sick of hearing you tell me what I’ve always been and why it’s so bad and why you’re the perfect wife.
Did you ever consider that that had an impact on me above and beyond that conversation? Did you ever consider it? And I really am begging you to please answer that question for me. I’m not mad at you, I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m trying to get through this without becoming the old me. Did you ever consider that could have an impact on me that maybe you needed to come talk to me about it? (I took a deep breath and 15 seconds later) Are you not answering because you don’t know, or you’re trying to think about if you did of if you didn’t?
Sarah:
I mean I didn’t think about that specifically, but I did question and ask you were you ok? What’s wrong? Why are you disconnected? I miss my husband. I mean, you could have talked to me about that. (Dick interrupting me)
Dick:
And again, hear me out, I said what’s wrong? Why are you disconnected? Why, why, why, I didn’t come to you and say Dick…
Sarah:
Are you okay?
Dick:
Okay sweetheart, sweetheart. Are you okay? You’re disconnected. I miss my husband. I love my king. I miss my panda, is not, Dick, I made you stop believing in me and I need you to talk to me about that and only that…
Sarah:
No I didn’t
Dick:
Did you even think, cause Marie, here’s what happened, here’s what happened, I stopped believing in you and I didn’t know how to deal with that because you were the center of my fucking whole world.
Sarah:
Ok
Dick:
You were the one uncorrupt thing that I knew of, look at me please. I stopped believing in you and all I saw that you were truly passionate about was being angry at Tricksy because she talked to me. Everything you did after that, was you trying to find out what I was doing with her as opposed to what trying to find out what was going on with me. And I don’t mean general are you ok, I miss you, come be my panda, because what you were saying is that well Dick you could have said; Sarah, I lost faith in you, it’s always been well Dick you could’ve…because I’m the perfect wife, I asked you, I’m the perfect wife, so because I’m the perfect wife, when I said what’s wrong, that meant talk to me. Sweetheart, I fell for Tricksy because she listened without judgement. I’m just being honest with you.
Sarah:
Ok. (My speech at this point of exhaustion is slurred and weak) I am so sorry Dick, from the bottom of my heart, that I put you in that situation to have to communicate and to befriend and talk to Tricksy and get what you need from her and not from me. I really…dick interrupting me
Dick:
Sweetie I really don’t think you understand, I am not having this conversation with you for apologies. We all fuck up, we all make mistakes. I think what it is, I am begging you to let go of your own self-righteous perspective on everything and for one second allow yourself to come down to my level which is so distasteful to you. Which you have so much disgust for and disbelief, for one second just take off your pretty red bottom shoes and come down to my level, where I went to when YOU…
Sarah:
MmmHmm
Dick:
Gave someone information that had the ability to send me to that level.
Sarah:
MmmHmm
Dick:
Out of arrogance, pride, trying to be helpful, whatever it was, you gave this woman information that if it got out and if it got to me was going to send me to that level. But Sarah not one time during this whole thing have you been willing to get off your perch and come down to MY level. Your whole thing has been driven by; well he shouldn’t have done this. How could he do this to me? How could he do this? How could he do this? How could Tricksy do this? Why would she do this? Everybody is guilty and you’re the perfect wife. And it created resentment for you, in me Sarah. Resentment. Resentment. THIS is why I disconnected. Because I started to resent you. It has nothing to do with Tricksy, it is because I started to resent you because, you WERE the perfect wife. You never came down to the gutter that you put me in. And I tell you goddam good and well, I never had a reason to interact with Tricksy, if, if, if, if we could just talk on, in the gutter for a minute.
Because what I walked away from that conversation was, still not really believing you but again feeling sorry for you, because you have this condition and it was bad enough you had to deal with that and now you’re stressed…again feeling sorry, sympathy and empathy driving everything as far as you’re concerned and you know what, this fucking bitch put me in the gutter and she’s too high and mighty to come and get me.🤯.
So I went to a gutter rat. Another gutter person. You have been consumed by what TRICKSY has done, or what you THOUGHT I was doing with Tricksy and you have not one second thought about what YOU did to me and to us. And then when it all comes out, your thing is; it was just a mistake. I can’t make mistakes, but Dick is supposed to be able to do whatever he wants and this and this and this, but I just made a simple mistake. It is more of the same thing Marie. It is more of the same, exact same thing the; I’m the perfect WIFE! Baby, no you were not the perfect wife because you lacked the willingness to come down in the gutter with the man you literally got out of it.
You never understood these demons in me. You always tried to philosophy and, and earth and trees me away from the fucking real unbridled, destructive Spirits that were ruling over me; and I felt bad for you. So I was trying to save you, in the midst of that; done a pretty damn good job of it, and I’m only talking to you now because I love you Sarah. And I don’t like 15 years of this going to waste, but baby I don’t know if you understand, you were not the perfect wife and because you spent so much time congratulating yourself for being the perfect wife, you totally forgot who your husband was. You totally ignored who he was.
Your only thing was, as long as he’s not fucking Cookie, as long as he’s not fucking around, as long as he’s not doing this, then I’m cool. And when that very thought entered your head, that’s when you got passionate. You running around looking at fucking video tapes and fucking having bat channel conversations and doing this and doing this. I mean a whole bunch of passion went into tying to find out if I was fucking around on you, but no passion whatsoever to determine the impact of the things that you, of what happened with that whole ex-boyfriend story.
To this day Sarah, I don’t know what to believe. And that’s fucked up, but what really led me to believe that you were being truthful, I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her because she has this condition, I feel bad for her, so let me just chalk it up under that category and move on. This is why I became disconnected sweetheart because that made me fucking resent yo ass. Because you sent me to the gutter and then was too high and mighty to get me out of it. You were too busy being, or telling yourself you were the perfect wife, that you never stopped to recognize how imperfect you were. Which is fine. I never wanted perfection, I just wanted you to understand that you weren’t perfect.
And I wanted you to understand, that hey you married, you get involved with a low down street niggah, take off yo red bottoms boo and come on down here with me cause sometimes it’s fucked up. Stop trying to bring me up to your celestial level. Come down here with us street rats and us gutter fiends' cause this is where I live. Even though I’m married to a beautiful, fine, sexy, loving wife, I’m still a street rat, gutter niggah; cause that’s who I am, it’s who I’ve always been and it’s who I always will be. But I’ve been a street rat, gutter fiend who has done everything possible to be there for everybody, including you. And all I’m saying to you Marie, even now, I’m trying to get you past that, I’m fucking perfect, I just made a simple mistake, it upset him and so he went and slid his dick into Tricksy’s pussy. There is so much more to this story, and I felt so fucked over because you spent a week, plotting this fucking scheme, with this fucking lawyer when I was saying talk to me, but you were so angry at what I did you never stopped for 5 seconds to determine if there was what Sarah did involved in this.
So this is why I have been trying to talk to you and continuously trying to talk to you and still talk to you. But ever time I do, and you throw up your hands in frustration you get this flippant ass attitude of well you know Dick, how dare Dick make a…how dare anybody else make a mistake, because, no it’s not a mistake because YOU shook the fucking core foundation that I have built my entire world around since I came home and that was there is at least one person who is righteous; at least one. Now that’s a high bar, and that’s a high standard, but Marie, it’s a standard that you set. I never asked for that, it’s a standard that you set. And a consistent thing, I saw it with your brother first, you live in that bubble so long and you dwell in it, that when the real world happens and gutter rats like his ex-girlfriend trip, Dick, Tricksy get introduced into your world, you totally miss it, because you’re so high on what you’ve done…that was your brother’s thing; I’ve done so much for her, I’ve been this, I’ve been a good dad, I’ve done this, but have you gone down into the fucking gutter with the girl, or have you been so busy trying to bring her out of it?
Marie, after that conversation, I needed you to get off of your high horse, I needed you to stop pretending to be the perfect wife and I needed you to talk to me because I never would have had an affair with that girl, with Tricksy. EVER. Never, ever, ever would I have had an affair with Tricksy. And I only had an affair with her because she was a gutter rat and willing to come down to my level, and not try to drag me out. She was willing to let me work myself out of the gutter, but she was gonna stand by me while I was doing it. You were too busy being mad because Tricksy betrayed you. You were too busy trying to investigate and figure out what’s going on.
That night you called me, when we did the game here and I was out in the car talking to Tricksy, we were talking about this very thing, that was the conversation. And one of the things she asked me was well Dick has Sarah ever come to you and talked about that? No. Okay well what are you doing about it? How did it make you feel? And she’s not being subversive, she’s not trying to get me, she likes me, she cares about me and she’s a fellow gutter person so she understands what it’s like to be a person around people like you, your sister, your nephew where it’s always the center focus is on this one person and how perfect he is and how great he is and how talented he is and how smart he is and this girl gets pushed in the shadows because she’s a gutter rat with a kid that everybody loves.
Now it’s not my job to try to help make Tricksy’s case but I’m telling you when we were sitting in that car before a kiss, before a hug, before interaction, she was like how did that make you feel Dick and what did you experience? This was the beginning of me and Tricksy’s relationship. It was her talking to me, without judgement. Without being the perfect person.
And I swear to God Marie, I am not blaming all of this on you, I am telling you how we got here. We got her because you were arrogant, you were cocky, you were self-centered, you were self-righteous, and you lied to Tricksy and you lied in such a way that if that information ever got out it was going to destroy your life. The information got out and then you lied to me, and after you lied to me, all your focus went on her. Not one for a second Dick, I think I shook your faith in me, please let’s talk about that, cause maybe I don’t understand how that impacted you. Sweetie and I guarantee you this, had YOU had that conversation with me, Tricksy and I never would have happened. Ever. Ever. Because I didn’t need a street rat. I had you.
Have I been perfect? Absolutely fucking not. I am so not blameless in anything that has happened, anything that has hurt you. I have totally been responsible for a lot of hurt and pain, BUT in this instance Marie, the thing that literally destroyed our relationship, not the marriage, our relationship was YOU saying something terribly destructive, you trusting somebody that that wouldn’t get out, it coming out; it shaking the foundation of my belief in you as a woman and as my friend, and as my wife and as somebody that I’ve been taking care of all these years and then after that your whole focus was Tricksy; Tricksy on the brain. Oh well, I’m having dreams that you fucked Tricksy, and your daughter didn’t wanna know you anymore, and she didn’t wanna be with you, well, I’m like well shit bitch, maybe you oughta be dreamin about the fact that I stopped believing in yo ass and I got a lot of resentment building up for you in me, because of the way you’re handling this. And this is exactly why you got the response from me that you did when you told me about the dream that you had of me fucking Tricksy because first of all, you’re pretty fucking arrogant to even dream that my daughter didn’t want to love me because of you. You pretty fucking cocky to even dream that shit. But again, I’m the perfect wife, so even my dreams are about somebody doing something to me and hurting me and even the man’s own daughter would be willing to abandon him because…it’s crazy. It’s bat shit crazy Marie.
So, I hope that at some point you gone wake up and realize that there is so much more to this story, ok. And one of the reason’s you’re in turmoil, I’m in turmoil right now, is because YOU never, ever, ever were never willing to get off your judgmental ass high horse and even determine was I in the gutter that you needed to help me get out of. All you were focused on was Tricksy betrayed you. Yes, she betrayed you, and she fell for your husband because you allowed him to accept her as the person who would listen to him and understand him without judgement. She couldn’t stand me, but the more we talked, the more we realized, we’re just alike. Everybody is in judgement of us, everybody wants us to be a certain way, everybody wants us street people to come around to their way of loving and thinking and being and all that shit like that. Well, that’s how love starts sweetheart. That’s how closeness, that’s how that develops. And baby I’m gone be honest with you, I got sick of you telling me how you were the perfect wife. I got sick of it. You were so busy telling me you were the perfect wife, you never thought to ask me, what the perfect wife meant to me.
So, I’m sorry I hurt you. Baby, I am so deeply sorry that I hurt you. I wanted to, and I knew it would, and I did it. But because I do not want to be the old me, and I am truly sorry that I let that happen, BUT I got involved with Tricksy because I started to love her, not because I wanted to fuck her. I fucked her because she was the first person with open legs and open ears. So, I think that hopefully you will consider the fact that you’re only the perfect wife when the person you’re married to tells you that, and you will only be the perfect spouse if that person experiences what they need and not only what you wanna provide. And to me, you are not the perfect wife. You had a very inflated sense of what the perfect wife is and because you filled in all the boxes with a nice green check mark. You were not the perfect wife Marie because if you were, I would not have started to resent you, and that resentment is exactly what allowed me to come to the decision, I want out of this marriage. Because I stopped feeling empathy. I stopped feeling sympathy for you, and it became all about a black and white proposition.
She’s sick, she needs help and bottom line, I can provide that help without being her husband. Because I started to resent you, so it opened that door, for that realization. Call it what you want to, hey bottom line, we all need help. And sometimes when we’re in a situation like you are, you need more help than other people do and guess what, I’ve done a goddam good job of proving that and I will continue to do that until I’m fucking dead and gone.
But Marie you were not the perfect wife and hopefully one day you will start talking to me as if you are not the perfect wife. Because I understand street language a whole lot better than I do judgement and perfection. Cause I don’t strive to be perfect, I strive to take care of the people I’m responsible for. I only wanna be rich because wealth is what it takes to protect you girls, and I will protect you Sarah; I love you. I will protect you. From everything and anything because I love you and I’m in love with you. But I really want you to know, your man fell for Tricksy because she was the first person with open legs and a set of open ears, and the ears were more important. And the angrier you got at her, and the more hell bent you got focusing on her, the more resentment I had for you, and because I had more and more resentment building, the more I stopped having sympathy for you, feeling bad for you and I stopped being empathetic. It became black and white. I do not need to be in this marriage anymore in order to support and take care of this woman.
So, I hope you heard me, and I hope you don’t go back well you know, every time we talk, it…cause that’s that judgmental bullshit, high horse fuck shit that drives me fucking nuts. Maybe he’s talking for an hour because he’s got a legion of demons he’s got to exercise and get out and maybe it doesn’t happen in 10, 15 minutes, but miss high horse, miss I’m the perfect wife, uh gets frustrated because she would dare have to listen to that. That’s really fucked up Marie, and you are in no way who you have convinced yourself you are in this relationship; in this marriage with you. If you were, you would have recognized Dick is deeply and gravely wounded by this. I set this in motion. I need to talk to him and not just are you ok. So, do you have anything to say sweetheart because the next time we talk, I don’t want you telling me how I talked for an hour and you only talked for 10 minutes as if you had all these amazing things to say. Is there anything that you want to say or are trying to say, that you felt like I haven’t listened to or I’ve made you feel unheard?
Sarah:
MmmMmm
Dick:
Ok so next time we talk, please don’t tell me about how I talked for an hour and you only talked for 2 minutes as if that’s just some horrible reality that you had to take.
Sarah:
Ok
Dick:
Cause I am really sick of your high horse and judgmental attitude.
Sarah:
Ok
He grabbed his keys, slammed the door behind him and I cried myself to sleep.
Thoughts/Reflections:
1. How would you have handled this conversation with your spouse/significant other?
2. On 51 separate occasions, he mentions in one way or another the word/phrase “perfect wife” as it related to me. Do you believe this was something I repeatedly over the course of 15 years said to him; or was this something he believed about and said to me?
Why?
3. Have you ever internalized negative things that were stated about you?
If so, how could you dismantle the negative beliefs and replace them with positive thoughts/beliefs about yourself?
“A narcissist will attempt to kill your Spirit, till you are a broken, unrecognizable shell of the person you are. They blame you, and you end up being the reason and the villain in all of the chaos they created.”
- Maria Consiglio
“Some people will never like you because your Spirit irritates their demons.”
- Denzel Washington
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