Part 19 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
Every communication I share is necessary to detail the subtleties of domestic abuse, and the profile of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is:
(“It is common for people with “NPD” to have difficult relationships. They commonly keep people emotionally distant, and project, deny, or split. Narcissists respond with anger and hostility towards rejection, and can degrade, insult, or blame others who disagree with them. Narcissists may disrespect others' boundaries or idealize and devalue them.”)
His constant, inconsistent, erratic, contradictory communication with me and the incessant need to make me responsible for his “demons resurfacing,” for his actions, decisions and behavior was exhausting and emotional torture. My consistent communication of disgust with their choices, pleas to move on, to heal, be at peace, get a divorce, finish my memoir, my apologies to HIM, and genuinely wanting his happiness never wavered, and at the end of the day, I felt unheard, my pain dismissed, and my needs ignored.
It will be revealed that the reasons I was put out of my home, my car taken, our joint account was drained and closed, my phone was disconnected, my memoir was pulled from distribution because of his tortious interference, a lawsuit was filed against me because of my memoir with Dick, Tricksy, Cookie, and 2 investor “friends” (who were actually introduced to him through my sister’s relationship) as plaintiffs, his lies, manipulation, deceptive tactics, history of non-compliance with court orders, his smear campaign, and defamatory, slanderous attacks made against me (by name) on multiple social media platforms, emotional and financial abuse, weaponizing the legal system against me, (still dragging me back to a 3rd mediation on February 6, 2005 a year and a half post-divorce) the hundreds and hundreds, of taunting, lewd, mean-spirited, demanding, demeaning, insulting, threatening, hateful, with “I still love you” communication from him over the course of 4 years, has all been done with malicious intent to retaliate against me, for speaking the truth in my memoir, filing for a divorce the 2nd time, and cutting off all communication with him for my own mental health and overall well-being.
So I need to go back a couple of weeks to share that sometime right after I confronted Dick about his affair with Tricksy (June 27, 2020), I was physically sick to my stomach and never went back to work at our family business, because Tricksy was still working there. It was humiliating and degrading. My 5 foot 7 ½ inch frame had gone from a size 6 to a size 2. The stress and trauma were eating away at my soul. I needed to remove myself from the toxicity of it all, so that’s what I did.
By this time, Dick was away from the home staying and traveling with Cookie when he felt like it, still frolicking and building a relationship with Tricksy, and controlling me.
The Timeline:
July 15, 2020
I had an endoscopy procedure performed on me, and the results showed an ulcer deep and the size of a grapefruit.
July 17, 2020 @ 8:13am
Dick:
U gonna eat this morning? ;)
Sarah:
I'm going to breakfast with Harry (an employee from the business that I would treat to breakfast every week for helping me in and out of my car with the walker, helping me with things at the business, and helping me around the house with odd jobs), before Ginny comes...getting dressed now
Dick:
What time does Ginny come
Sarah:
10:30
Dick:
I don’t think you would but please don't discuss us with Harry. He talks too damn much.
Sarah:
No I wouldn't
Dick:
Ok. If you tell him don’t tell he is gonna tell.
Sarah:
It's fucking embarrassing, sickening and ratchet as fuck 😡
I'm sure people suspect it anyway since y'all really didn't care to be discreet...
Dick: 8:26am
I told you I didn't care because of how I felt about your story to Tricksy and your lying to me.
I was cut ... i intended to cut you 100 times worse. It was wrong. Very wrong.
But as I said yesterday, I am truly sorry. I still love you and always will and I truly wish we would have talked more openly and honest.
I have alot of demons I struggle with. I really got fucked up in the joint and alot of it spilled out onto you with this whole Tricksy episode.
You were the only woman I allowed myself to believe in after Cookie fucked over me ... and I felt stupid, played and fucking pissed.
Its still my fault but I just cannot control this demon once he is out.
I needed you to be on that pedestal. You still should be and I am working on it.
Sarah: 11:18am
I really don't want to be on your pedestal cause it leaves NO room for error and it causes way too much hurt and destruction. I made a mistake number one in trying to be there for and help a thirsty bitch, lied to her and in an extreme situation lied to you about a picture...I understand double standards but this is a whole other level of I don't know...narcissism, ego, pride...how dare you lie to me but I can lie to you, treat you like shit, fuck over you, be whoever the fuck I need to be, do whatever the fuck I wanna do to you or with someone else, but because I take care of you, you stay in my bubble, shut the fuck up and don't treat me the way I treat you 😳.
I never ever disrespected you, been disloyal, opened my legs to or gave ANY man a second look or a chance with me! I loved being your wife and it showed. So pleeeeease don't put me on your pedestal cause I'm not perfect at all but was I a perfect wife to you...maybe not for you, but yes, I damn near broke my back trying to be. Shit I remember you telling me back before we actually separated when you were fucking Cookie to “pleeeeease get you some sick so you can stop fucking with me...I don't give a fuck what you do" were your words to me, but did I...NO. Anyway I'm so sorry I made you fuck my niece, I truly am!😢
Dick: 11:29am
I didn't say you made me do anything with Tricksy ... I said I made a reaction based on your choice to deceive me.
YOUR CHOICE ...
because your ego and sense of self righteousness convinced you to lie in the first place.
You had to have known if that info ever got to me it would be catastrophic.
You had know but from the way it looks your own ego caused you to try and play a game you are not good at ... and once your ego failed under the scrutiny of the bullshit you fed me ... you doubled down on the very thing that got you jammed up in the first place.
You can minimize it all you want but that is another result of you thinking and projecting on me who I am instead of knowing the real me.
You always talk down on my ego and narcissism unless it benefits you so don't pretend my pedestal is all that bad of a place to be when you were getting all of the benefits of being and having been there.
You can hate me all you want but this one is not all on me.
Where it goes from here is on you though but please stop distorting what I am saying and minimizing what you created.
And baby girl .... accept this ... perfect wives know their husbands and don't risk everything to be some Oprah wanna be to a promiscuous and wounded 29 year old girl.
You never, ever give someone the gun to shoot you with.
Sarah: 12:16pm
👌
Sarah: 1:10pm
(Still catering to HIS emotional fragility, I sent HIM 5 prayers when you feel betrayed.)
https://www.beliefnet.com/faiths/prayer/5-prayers-when-you-feel-betrayed.aspx
Dick: 3:14pm
Thank you but I assure you I won't be doing too much praying any time soon.
One thing I am learning is that paying more attention to my dark side would have better served me over the past 15 years. It would have kept me from doing and believing alot of things that ultimately didn't serve me or you.
Simply put. I am a streets guy. I'm corrupt, deeply scarred, and very cold inside from all of the bullshit I've had to endure. I never really knew my grandmothers death had me this bad but its all I can think about.
I'm ultimately self-destructive and you got affected by that as well. For that I am so sorry because you are a beautiful woman who fell for an unworthy man.
Sarah. I really tried to be better but I cannot tell you what lights went off in me after hearing that you, on a trip you asked me for, planned and attempt to fuck someone else in another city. Hear me ... i mostly believe you lied to Tricksy but I really don't know for sure.
I told you I never trusted any woman after Cookie's shit but what I realized after Tricksy told me that was that I actually broke that rule with you.
I do sort of believe that you lied to her but the more I think about it ... if you would lie about showing a picture ... you damn sure would lie about what you told Tricksy. That's just logical.
Had I relied more on my street nature and dark side I never would have put myself in a position to let any woman get to me.
I hate that I hurt you with this Tricksy shit but what I hate even more is that a very destructive demon I have kept at bay for over 20 years is now roaming free and I truly feel like I am embracing him as opposed to fighting him off.
You asked me why I never held Tricksy's past against her and the truth is because it was just as dark, dangerous and corrupt as mine was.
I found comfort in someone who was just as fucked up as I was the very minute you looked me in the eye and confirmed that you could and would be a very good, manipulative liar at a minimum to her but most likely to me as well.
Don't get me wrong ... I respect the game ... I just don't want it played on me by someone I'm down for.
All in all. I do still love you. I do still care deeply for you and I will die taking care of you. That was my mission from day 1 ... to love and protect you.
Because I have allowed this spirit of hurt to devastate you ... I have finally lost the last light that was shining in me that kept me hopeful about fending off an ultimate destruction that is going to put me under for good.
I hope something will come back on in me because I feel me slipping under the quicksand and feeling the dark side of me a better place to live in.
But I don't want to be dark. I really don't.
I guess that is why I tried so hard to talk to you for that week and why I've been doing so over the last few days.
I don't really want to be dead man physically but because all of you will be set forever if it happened ... i truly cannot say that I am worried about it either.
Bottom line. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for hurting you .... I am eternally sorry for your pain.
We are both angry and hurt. This is all fucked up.
I am willing to go to counseling with you to explore what parts of anything we had can be salvaged.
You know I would never do counseling but ... it may be the only thing to save me and us.
Sarah: 4:43pm
I will definitely do counseling!
“I agreed to go to counseling, certainly not to get back together. I genuinely wanted to help him get past his demons so that he could be better equipped to handle situations that wouldn’t cause so much pain and destruction. I also wanted to understand how what I said to Tricksy, not what I did to him, resulted in such rage inside his soul enough to believe that my words were equal to his actions.”
Not one time during his “blame me” sessions did he ever address the fact that we were separated during my trip to Miami, and that he was living with and having sex with Cookie
Just like his affair with Cookie, as disgusted and angry, and heartbroken, as I was with his decision to have an affair with Tricksy, I accepted it as something that he needed to do for him. I was clear that there was no coming back from this. I chose to stay quiet and not to engage or argue with him to be right. I didn’t care to be right, I just wanted to move on, be happy and at peace!
Thoughts/Reflections:
1. When someone has convinced themselves that you are the reason for their harmful behavior, how do you handle it?
2. Would you react with retaliation?
If so, how?
3. Would you respond with rebuttals?
If so, what would you say?
4. Would you work to create different possibilities in the chaos?
If so, what could you do?
“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how other people see you. The misinformation will feel unfair but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.”
- Unknown
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