Part 20 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
“Emotional and psychological abuse can have severe short- and long-term effects. This type of abuse can affect both your physical and your mental health. You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more.”
I blamed myself for being in the position to even be controlled. I let my guard down, and because I trusted in and believed that who I was to him as a wife and his vow to me as my husband, I put all my eggs in this one basket and now I was going to pay a high price for that. I had spent the last 15 years pouring into a relationship and a person that was built on deception and lies. I was 24 years into my disability and, I felt like a trapped rat, vulnerable and alone.
I realized after the first threat on my life, and all the subsequent threats on my livelihood that followed, there were no lengths that he would go to in order to maintain control if his ego was hurt, or if his demands were not complied with.
He was so loving, and generous, and kind, and would do anything for me as long as I stayed in line.
The communications prove the disguise of love and loyalty, in reality is control. He pulls me into safety, then threatens to take it away. His I love you’s are followed with a BUT. His promises are made with an IF. Every conversation was contradictory and left me feeling confused, afraid of what to do, more concerned about my future, and less secure if it depended on what mood he was in.
July 18, 2020
Dick @11:57am:
I've been up all night. Very sad because a woman who is my best friend is across the living room and we don't even know each other. We are 2 broken people and it sucks.
I am so sorry someone got in between us. I am very sad you felt like you had to make up a life to try and be hip, cool and impressive to a 29 year kid.
You didn't need to do that Sarah. You are wonderful as you are and trying to project something you are not is beneath you.
I got with Tricksy because I stopped believing in you. I still don't know if I know everything about that trip you went on and I've never had that problem with you. I've always believed in your words.
I miss you Sarah Marie.
I miss the bond we had. I still love you and always will.
I broke you because I was broken by you. I thought you did what I just knew you couldn't do.
I miss u and I'm sorry again.
I love you. :)
I think and hope we can salvage at least some of us.
Dick @ 6:35pm:
I hope this doesn't come across wrong but I know that was hard for you to be at the party but you went anyway to support your great-neice. You are a good woman and good people diva. I love u.
Sarah @11:29pm:
And thank you for your earlier text...I'm exhausted 😴
July 19, 2020
Dick @ 3:56pm:
I know there is alot coming out as we talk more and more. I love you and that is why I am talking to you so much.
I want you to know everything and I want to know everything because my love for you will never die. I know all of this is hard on both of us but through it all ... I do love you and will always take very, very good care of you.
July 20, 2020
Sarah @ 10:50pm:
You must have wanted someone to hear you say the $1000 you gave me & you'd always be there for me 🤔why? So they'd know you're a good guy even though you fucked your wife's nephews wife?😳Hmmmmmm👍🏼
Dick: 11:04pm
Do not be petty with me. And remember you told your nephews wife that you tried to fuck over me and only didn't do it because travel plans on your miami dick fell through.
I dont give a fuck knows what I do for you and trust me ... i have no problem anyone knowing i fucked her in response to your trying to fuck over me and lying.
Blame me all you want but you know whats up.
Lets be civil and leave petty out of it.
Sarah @ 11:24pm:
Ok. Thank you for sharing.
Dick @11:34pm:
Not sharing. I don't want you acting fucked up with me just like I'm not acting fucked up with you.
I gave you the $$$ because even though I still don't know what what you have and have not lied to me about on that trip.
But even though I don't really know ... I'm not going to be petty or fucked up with you when I need and want to take care of you still.
Maybe we can get past petty soon.
July 21, 2020
Dick @ 9:10am:
Hey u. ;)
(I remember always feeling uneasy and uncertain with his sweet guy, loving gestures after the threats, bulling, chastising, blaming, berating, etc. I was in a constant state of confusion. I wanted to believe him, but I didn’t. Instead, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.)
11:23am
Is it crazy for me to think you will fuck Harry? Seriously. It's been a thought. Call me later.
July 23, 2020
I went to Toasted Yolk with myself to just breathe, relax, journal, eat breakfast, and decompress from the previous weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds filled with strife. I had just hung up the phone with Dick, got out of the car, fell and my head crashed into the pavement. I immediately started breaking out into a cold sweat and knew I suffered a concussion. The manager knew me and came rushing out to help me.
Gina would not take no for an answer and immediately called 911. She asked who to call to come and get me, since she refused to let me drive. I gave her my sister’s number.
Dick was furious that I didn’t call HIM, and as a result, for: 1 hour; 34 minutes and 39 seconds he made sure I understood that because he was still taking care of me, I was living in the home he paid for and drove the car he paid for, that HE was the one I should call.
He again made promises to take care of me but warned me to stay in line and play the game; more blaming shifting, gaslighting me, and once again deflecting from their betrayal. It was VERBAL, MENTAL, & EMOTIONAL ANGUISH.
Just a few excerpts:
Dick:
I don’t get why the reality of what it is we’re dealing with is such a problem. I don’t get that. Because YOU caused, and I’m talking to you, well I’m trying to talk to you, you know because what does Cookie or Tricksy or anybody else, what do they have to tell me that has to do with me and you? Fifteen years of us, you understand what I’m saying?
Sarah:
Well, I also understand that I am, and not to minimize your hurt, but I am here in this home that I created for us and you’re not in it, and I know that you are in a relationship with some other family member that I trusted and believed in, and loved, and did everything I could to take care of, so it’s a little bit different than what I did to you.
I’m not moving on with the person that betrayed you, I’m not. So, it’s a little bit, I would say easier for you to move on because you have someone there. You have someone you know you can lean on, you can lay in the bed with, that you can snuggle up to, that you can love on and do all these things with, that you can go to the movies with, go out to eat with, that you can just go on and continue to live your life, for me it’s not like that and that’s hard.
Dick:
But that’s your choice though.
Sarah:
Dick, I’m just saying, with you, my husband. We are still married.
Dick:
Ok
Sarah:
For whatever reason, we are still married, and so that has a deep effect on me, and I would hope you could understand that. I don’t know why you wouldn’t. You look perplexed that I’m having a hard time.
Dick:
No, I’m not perplexed that you’re having a hard time, WE BOTH ARE. What I’m saying is, you, uh, ok, what I’m saying is, you have an issue because I am not choosing to be alone. But you’re choosing to do that. You can go get with somebody. You can go fuck somebody tonight.
Sarah:
Oh my God, you just don’t get it.
Dick:
What am I supposed to get? What is it that I’m supposed to get?
Sarah:
Ummmm, unlike you, 4 months ago I thought we were happy. I thought, you know that we were building a life together, but on June 27th it was revealed to me that you weren’t happy, you ain’t been happy, you’ve like been checked out a long time, you haven’t had one second of peace, so I’m kinda shaken off my foundation a little bit. It came out of nowhere to me.
Dick:
But do you know you thought that because you chose to think that. You didn’t pay attention to anything that was going on, other than what you needed to make yourself feel better?
Sarah:
No, it was based on, things you were saying, how you were acting Dick. No, I wasn’t hallucinating these thoughts. It’s what you were saying to me, what you were saying to the kids, how you were portraying yourself at the business, what you were saying to other people. So, you know my fault if I didn’t see what was going on, but I cannot read your mind. You’ve talked to me about other things before, so why wouldn’t you talk to me about how you were really feeling?
Dick:
Well, I couldn’t
Sarah:
Well, and because you couldn’t, I didn’t know. I was completely blindsided by that conversation.
Dick:
That doesn’t have anything to do with what you are choosing. It’s not my fault that you are choosing not to date. You could date tomorrow.
Sarah:
But Dick, I don’t want to date. It’s not who I want to be. I was married, in a relationship, so no, I don’t want to date. I am solely focused on taking care of me, getting well, doing my therapies, writing my book, just getting things that I’m interested in out there. I’m not interested in dating. And I’m not punishing you, or saying that you shouldn’t.
You should do exactly what it is that you’re doing. You know, I want you to be happy. God knows I do. I love you. Always have, and the only thing I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and at peace, and it looks like now you have the perfect person to, you know cater to your every whim and need, and they can get you a Gatorade, (on June 27th he had expressed to me his desire to have someone be able to go to the refrigerator and get him a Gatorade after sex, but not me because of my condition) and play and dance, and do freaky shit. She seems to be someone you’ve always needed.
Dick:
Ok
Sarah:
It’s just hard.
Dick:
Well, I understand that it’s hard ok, and I’m trying to hopefully keep things from becoming harder.
Sarah:
MmmmHmmm
Dick:
Ok, because this is not a normal dynamic we have sweetie. This is not a normal one of us breaks up and packs up and walks away, and don’t have to deal with the other. That’s not what we’re dealing with, for either one of us. I have to deal with you and I want to. You know, I’m not that guy, and I am so sick of getting advice on how I don’t have to be responsible for you anymore. I, I, I don’t wanna hear that because I am not that guy. That’s not me.
Everything that is here, is because you helped me do this and you assisted me through all this time so, I’m not gonna, I’m not your lifeline. What you worked for is your lifeline ok, BUT I do still have to be here for you, and this is why, and I don’t know if you do this just to irritate me, or it’s just to…
I ask you where you’re at, because I’ve always asked you where you’re at because if something happens, at least I have a reference of where to start, ok and when you don’t tell me where you’re at and you leave me to wonder, that’s, that’s, a problem. So, I’m not trying to keep tabs on you, but you should tell me where you’re at. If you’re not going to stay at your sister’s house then you should tell me that, you should let me know. Do you understand? Because I am still responsible for you. Does that make sense?
Sarah:
Mmmm Mmmm
Dick:
That doesn’t make sense? It doesn’t make sense at all? So it made sense when we were together, but it doesn’t make sense now? You’re not responsible for me Sarah. There is nothing you can do to take care of me. NOTHING. There is no one who needs to call you if something happens to me and you can do something about it. Ok. So, I don’t understand why that’s so confusing to you. I am still responsible for you, and I want to be. I need to keep saying that because this is not a requirement, it’s a desire, ok. I am still responsible for you. Now, if you want to go to the point to where you don’t want me to know where you’re at, then you need to tell me, ok. BUT that is going to be a part of what causes me to shut down and just not give a fuck, at all, just shut it off completely!
Because, I am still responsible for you, if you get hurt, here, or there or wherever, or something happens ok, then I need to at least know where you’re at ok. If you wanna go out on a date or something and go out, then you just need to tell me that. But if you don’t understand that, I would encourage you to try and understand it, and just tell me yes or no, I’m not gonna do that. So, are you going to at least make an attempt not to operate in the dark? And I just need to know, yes or no?
Sarah:
I will.
Dick:
Ok if you can do that, I would appreciate it ok. It doesn’t mean anything to you, but this is a big part of our problem. YOU take things as being independent, but they create a problem for the people who are responsible for you. And it doesn’t matter. Whether you like me being responsible for you, hey, it is what it is, ok and I have a responsibility to you. As many things about me that are flawed and fucked up, that sense of loyalty and caretaking never has gone away.
Maybe I can’t take care of you emotionally and haven’t taken care of you emotionally, but as far as physically is concerned, I have done above and beyond and continue to do so. And the things that I ask you for are simple. You know, so it’s not hard to do because sweetie I’m just telling you, you do not want me to go dark, ok.
I’m telling you as my friend, as someone I love, and I’m responsible for, you do not want me to go dark and say fuck it, I don’t care. You don’t want me to do that. You just don’t wan’t me to do that, because if I do that, I’m gonna pay off the car, I’m gonna give you a wad of money and give up this house cause this is $4,000 a month and I’m committed to doing it for you because I LOVE YOU. Period.
I’d rather just give you a wad of cash and just let you figure it out on your own, but I’m trying not to do that, because then I just wouldn’t give a fuck about you. You fall over and kill yourself, guess what, hey it is what it is, I’ll just find out and plan her funeral. I don’t want to be at that position. I really don’t. I don’t care if you don’t understand it. This is, this is, this is the cross that a man who loves you, with this condition, it’s the cross that he carries. And I think most men would just put the motherfuckin cross down, and just move on and not give a shit. Ok. But that’s not who I choose to be, and a big part of it is because I’m still in love with you, and I still love you.
You know this Tricksy thing was an adverse reaction to a very dangerous situation, and, and, and just, earth shattering situation. It didn’t mean that I fell out of love with you ok, so it is what it is. I get it, you told Tricksy what you told her, it was a complete lie, or you say it was a complete lie, and so but, this was a situation where I brought myself back from being exactly who I’m trying not to be with you and that’s just saying, fuck her. I don’t give a shit. Ok, I gave her the best and I don’t owe her shit else, but that’s just not me.
And on top of that, I would never let my daughter’s see me do you that way. I would never, ever, ever, let them see me take care of Cookie, take care of their mom and then me and you break up and I not take care of you. I have always made sure my daughters saw me being there for the women I am responsible for and I am responsible for you, I am responsible for Cookie and I am responsible for their mom, and I always will be, BUT you know, I think you have convinced yourself that trying to wipe me out of your life completely and eliminate me, and eradicate me, is an option, but right now it’s not. It’s not!
And I’m trying not to do that either, cause I don’t want to. Because when I stop loving you, I stop caring about you; and when I stop caring about you; you don’t mean shit to me. And my ex-wife became one of those women. Their mother never became one of those women because she had my children. Cookie never became one of those women because she continued to work with me and helped me build a business and achieve things we wanted to achieve.
Ok, but I don’t, you’re not responsible for me. Now, if you have a fall…and see the strange thing to me is, you cared about my safety and where I was at and if I was ok before this, but now you don’t and that’s just weird, it’s like, you know…
Sarah:
It’s not that I don’t care. I do care, I just don’t want to call and you be with one or the other. When I did call you and express worry or concern, you would say, baby I’m fine, I’m working late you just gone have to deal with it, and all the while you were with Tricksy at hotels or wherever.
Dick:
That’s not true. Oh so, you think anytime I was out past 10, I was with her. Everything is Tricksy, Tricksy, Tricksy, you never once considered Cookie.
Sarah:
It doesn’t matter at this point.
It’s too much to continue with the conversation in it’s totality. These are other excerpts from this conversation:
Dick:
EVERYTHING is a result of YOUR lie to Tricksy
You devastated Tricksy because you lied to her
Tricksy feels that you lied to her to deceive her into staying with your nephew and so she wouldn’t cheat on him
She could no longer trust you because you told her a lie that you wanted to cheat on me.
Sarah:
This girl is an opportunist, she wanted my life, wanted to fuck my husband, and fuck up my shit and you willing gave it to her and that is the ONLY reason she told you what I said to her because she had no idea the story was made up and how in the hell did it HURT her?
Dick:
We both had you on a pedestal but you jumped off because of that ONE lie and WE reacted.🤯
YOU should have apologized to that girl
Did you ever think that she was hurting because of the lie you told her; she trusted you and you hurt her
She told me what you said because she was looking out for me
I love you and I want you to heal
Let’s talk so we can try to save and salvage us
I will always be here to take care of you🤯
Sarah I’m not going to abandon you.
I don’t care about the money; what keeps you at peace; fucking over you would disrupt my peace.
Hurting you financially would disrupt my peace and I will not do that to you Sarah; you said something against the man who is your benefactor.
You are not a vengeful, low-down bitch
I hope you will allow this conversation to alleviate any fears; Sarah I am not going to take from you; you can’t discard everyone who doesn’t align with your beliefs; my response: like you do; his response: I make the money…at the end of the day all you have to offer is kindness…
At a minimum you’re bringing in $5200/mo in cash payments and it’s because you stood by me when I didn’t have shit; but I hold the cards…
In many people’s eyes I’m a low-down piece of shit but everyone needs something from me
Thoughts/Reflections:
1. What would be in your thoughts after this type of conversation?
2. How would you have chosen to handle his threats of going dark?
3. Is it possible to make a sincere apology in one sentence, then in the very next continue to place blame, bash, and berate you for their behavior?
4. Is it possible to love someone you threaten to hurt, destroy, and then carry out those threats?
If so, how?
5. What steps do you begin to take toward healing the brokenness?
6. Would you, at this point, tell someone what you are experiencing? If so, who?
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