Part 21 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
Catering to his ego and emotional fragility instead of addressing my own pain and well-being was devastatingly exhausting and self-serving on his part. I did it because I wanted peace. I did it because I wanted all to be well with my soul. I did it because I loved him.
Looking back, now I realize, the more I catered to his ways of thinking, believing, and gave in to his demands, the more it emboldened him to continue the psychological warfare and abuse of my heart. I was in a lose, lose situation that only escalated each time I said or did something that did not align with his demands to remain protected, loved, and provided for.
July 28, 2020 @ 10:58am
Sarah:
Dick, the last thing I want or need is to fight or be at odds with you. This is already toxic and fucked up on it's own without added drama. I'm just tired. Scared and uneasy about the shaky foundation beneath me. It's painful to talk and to look at you because of all this... I feel like every conversation is one-sided and your continued efforts to drive home how this is all my fault and if so, I get it. I'm in an impossible situation of smile, don't go outside the line, be a good lil girl if you don't want the man who shattered and broke your heart to hate YOU and leave you high and dry.
The reason I don't talk to you is I immediately get sick to my stomach. I'm not trying to be ugly or mean or dismissive in anyway, it's just too soon I guess for me. I understand I made up a story to her in an effort to help, definitely not to manipulate her to not hurt Your nephew that's ridiculous, and yes I lied to you initially about the picture, but did this warrant my husband and my niece to sneak around my back, in front of my face, at my home, at the Club, to fuck and literally date and build a relationship while smiling in my face and making it seem like I'm the crazy one?
So yes I filed for divorce because I believed talking to you was going to illicit more lies and the charade would have continued...I didn't know what else to do. I'm sick, I'm tired, exhausted and don't want to hurt anymore Dick. I'm scared, feel totally alone and am angry but can't express it so I won't upset YOU? This is some sick shit and I really don't care if the whole damn world believes it’s 100% my fault that what I lied about and made up forced my husband and my niece into an affair...I don't care! I just want to try and put my life back together. Heal my heart, my soul, my body and finish my book.
If you're happy Dick I'm happy for you and wish you only the best. I tried everything in me to be good to you, support you and love you for 15 years, all I want and need is what I've worked for and PEACE. I don't want to be afraid that I'm gonna lose everything because you don't like me anymore...sorry if I'm not being my normal self but this shit is painful as hell 😢and with the dynamics of the situation and who's involved it was gonna be a ratchet ass shit show no matter what. I hate I made you fuck her but here we are and I don't wanna hate you either but you gotta hopefully understand the hurt, pain and great loss I feel, this is a hurt I didn't know was possible and NEVER saw coming.
Dick @ 12:16pm:
1. If I were going to take anything from you I would have already done it. You have worked for a comfortable life and I'm not going to leave you high and dry but ... you need to know and understand I will not finance you sharing your pu**y with anyone else. You wanna be out there ... do so on your own time and dime. Your money you make from the club will not change because you deserve it and earned it but the extra things I am still doing for you do have terms and conditions. We will need to discuss this at some point.
2. You can talk to me anytime but you can't come to me with half truths and bullshit. I understand that you truly believe you are being truthful about the whole Miami thing but it is just that I don't trust what you are telling me because the whole thing just doesn't make any sense. I only halfway believe you and that's a problem.
3. You say you didn't try to manipulate Tricksy but what you intended is totally different than what was interpreted. Was she wrong to allow herself to do what she did ... yes ... and she knows that but you were her best friend in all of this nephew shit and then you tried to deceive her as well. You hurt her and so she obviously didn't care about hurting you back. Be bitter with her all you want but you drew first blood.
4. The picture showing is not why this happened ... it is because you let me hear from someone else a bell you couldn't unring and if you will lie about a small part then you will damn sure lie about the big things. I was with Tricksy as a reaction to finding out that you could not be trusted ... period.
5. You don't have to be scared and you are still not alone because .... I am still loyal to be there for you no matter what. We will at some point need to define that but for now I am here for you as I have been.
Hopefully we will talk before things decline between us any further. That's up to you.
Sarah: 12:30pm
Well I haven't shared "my" pussy with anyone but my husband in well over 15 years and am in no way gonna disrupt my life over a dick...not interested!
I have to pay dentist another $500 today and the last $1,100 next week 😏
Dick: 1:33pm
But you would disrupt your life over a lie about a dick? This is why your story makes so little sense.
Ok ill zelle u tmrw
Sarah @ 2:43pm
Well, if it was made up with no ill intent, I had no reason to believe even if and though she told you that it would disrupt my life ...especially in this way.
Now I know why people go to jail for shit they didn't do...cause after so many times of telling the same story and keep getting beat over the head with I don't believe you...you're just exhausted to the point of telling em what they wanna hear vs what actually happened it's like fuck😳
Dick @ 3:03pm:
Sarah. It doesn't matter whether you have told the complete truth or just a part of it. The issue at hand is that I don't believe ALL of what you have told me.
There is a big part of me that wants to completely believe you (because of who I've know you to be) but there is a logical and practical part of me that cannot accept that you made up that elaborate and perfect story off of the top of your head.
Even if I totally believe you now I did what I did because I didn't believe you then. I hate that I hurt you so badly over something I just don't know where the truth is.
When I went there with Tricksy I hated you and wanted to pain you as badly as possible. I hate that because you are a good, loving woman but I could not process you playing that dirty. I am very certain you didn't fuck this dude but I can't even begin to accept that there was never any communication between you two.
Maybe I am wrong but when it came to my interaction with Tricksy ... I simply could process you lied to my face once so you most likely lied more than once.
Either way. I don't want to go dark where you are concerned. We have 15 years between us. This is crazy.
July 29, 2020
Dick @ 3:58am:
Whether you want to admit it or not ... I don't trust your words because you keep saying shit that is senseless.
I asked Tricksy tonight exactly what you told her and she said "Sarah told me that she reached out to her ex-boyfriend to get with him and that was out of town".
That makes perfect sense. Your version makes no sense.
I hope you decide to get your story straight and please stop lying or at least distorting the facts . I still am down for you but i really need you to step back and think why your story makes no sense.
Dick @ 10:50am:
The hug was wonderful today. I love u sarah. I hurt you. I know that and i hate it.so. i am still loyal to you and i still love you dearly. We started as friends. I want to fix what can be. Hugs.
Sarah @ 11:36am:
I hate I hurt you too. I truly do. Jesus I had no idea the depths of what I told her and then lying to you about the pic would lead to such a destructive, catastrophic reaction ...even if it got out...I honestly from my heart had no idea how it would and did impact your belief in me and subsequently your response so I am deeply sorry for that. 😢
Dick @ 11:41am:
Marie. I have loved you since the 2nd I met you. I just do not know how to be what Dick and Sarah are right now. It is totally foreign to me. It sucks and I hate that it is calls so much hurt for the both of us.
Sarah @ 11:49am:
Therapist is here so I’ll respond later.
Sarah @ 4:08pm:
Yes, the sadness is overwhelming. I want to get past this it's just gonna take time. I'm still somewhat in disbelief of all that's happened and the numbing pain associated with it. I too adored you from day one and have been your ride or die no matter who I had to check. I do still care very much about what happens to you, so pleeeeease be happy but also be careful. I'm so tired Dick. 😢
Dick @ 5:12pm:
Let’s try to slowly step forward. Question. Do u still love me?
Sarah @ 5:13pm:
I always will
Dick @ 5:13pm:
Do we forgive each other?
Sarah @ 5:14pm:
Already have
Dick @ 5:22pm:
I felt like today is the first day you really realized the impact of that story you told Tricksy.
Thank you for hearing and not minimizing. That story brought satan out me and I am so sorry i was blinded by hatred and anger and caused you so much pain.
(This man set out to intentionally cause me pain over something that could have, possibly, not sure if it did, but I believe it didn’t, and the FACT that COMMUNICATION with my ex-boyfriend about some secret plan to get together and have sex NEVER happened?
Can you even begin to imagine what would have happened to me if I actually did something to Dick? The thought of that frightens me still.)
Dick @ 5:25pm:
I'm not an evil person but I am consumed inside by darkness from the trauma I endured locked up. I do good at keeping it all at bay but I am very broken inside. My I don't give a fuck attitude exists as a safety net.
Cookie broke a big part of me and my grandmother mother dying killed a part of my spirit.
No excuses but just the reasons. My being broken caused me to break you.
I'm so sorry love. I also understand your hurt, fear and frustration caused you to go to that lawyer. I understand and accept that. I do forgive you and know that my actions caused your reactions. Im so sorry.
Sarah @ 5:56pm:
I understand what past hurts can do to a person but in the words of Dick T. Fiend: "Get over it loser"...it happened now what you gone do? Don't let your past dictate your future"...remember that speech? Or stop using that crutch...niggahs still enslaved and need to let that shit go😏 I too was hurt and have been by my dad and 2 other men in my life, but I made a vow that I would be different with you and not make you pay for past experiences. I made good on that promise.
After I was broken when you lied to and betrayed me with Cookie, I held my own, respected and loved myself and the decision you made...forgave you and eventually trusted you with my heart again... I never tried to get revenge and NEVER EVER wanted to hurt you in retaliation...and even though I'm broken in pieces now... I'm still standing strong by the Grace of God and the memory of Mommy...with no ill will, no hate in my heart or desire to hurt you in response.
After everything that's been done I STILL love and care for you. I've prayed for you so many nights as I literally cried myself to sleep everyday for a month...just hating to know you are plagued with such destructive demons inside your soul...it's heartbreaking...I've mourned the loss of our family... knowing it will never be the same, there's no growing old together is a dream of mine that will no be fulfilled is soul crushing and I'm sooooooo sorry I didn't recognize how unhappy you were, but how was I to know...I can't read minds.
I realize family doesn't mean much or matter to you but it's everything to me. I hate this experience but I'm praying to God to continue to bless us individually moving forward and that we embrace the hard lessons once revealed.😏🙏🏼
Dick @ 6:01pm:
You can't read minds and my not talking about things to you was a part of me protecting you from anything that would upset you and make things worse of you.
I didn't talk to protect you but not talking led to even greater hurt for both of us.
Its a vicious loop to be caught in. Its not your fault at all.😢
Family does mean everything to me but how we define and focus on family is different.
Yours is time, love and togetherness... mine is making sure this world cannot shit on my ladies because they don't have money.
I am money centered because that is how I protect all of you.
I am emotionally empty-handed much of the time because I am in a constant battle to provide safety for all of you.
I guess I am just great at one and horrible at the other. I left but am still committed to taking care of you as if I haven't left. Do you understand how deep my commitment to love and protect you based on this.
I need to protect you and care for you Marie because who else will and even if they do ... who can do better than me?
I want to love, protect and take care of you because I know you need me and I know you want me to be the one to keep you safe.
You know these me out here are full of shit, lazy and looking for a woman to live off of. I was commissioned by God to take care of you. He just picked a very broken soldier to do His will on this one. :)
Thoughts/ reflections:
1. What is your take-away from this conversation?
2. Do you recognize traits of emotional abuse? If so, what are they?
3. If you have ever experienced consistent blame-shifting, how did you handle it?
4. Have you ever been devalued, disrespected, bullied, threatened, etc. by an intimate partner?
5. How have you been able to reframe the conversations in your mind that can empower you beyond the abuse?
6. Would you handle it differently if you had another opportunity? If so, how?
7. At the time, did you consider it abuse? If not, why?
“It doesn’t matter how dirty others play; karma has a big bite. Always move with a genuine heart and pure intentions.”
- Quora.com
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