Part 33 The Chronicles Of Being Sarah Marie
“You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up;
Who The Fuck Did I Divorce?”
LISTEN!
As much as I wanna skip ahead to my actually finding the courage to file for a divorce the 2nd time in October 2022, I believe it is vital to showcase the dynamics of what I experienced, and how the subtleties of what I call “sweet abuse” shows up.
The confusion I felt, and the uneasiness in my Spirit came from his inconsistencies, contradictions, and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type communication that would shift his countenance and personality from one moment to the next. The constant vitriol and discourse continued for 2 ½ years.
His kind of “love” was unpredictable and predicated on his mood, delusions, and conditions. IT WASN’T LOVE; IT WAS ALL CONTROL.
It is equally as vital to show my heart, my forgiveness, my gratitude to him even in the midst of his betrayal, disrespect, abusive behavior, and my consistent pleas with my husband for a divorce, fairness, peace, and healing, all for the sake of my overall well-being, mental health, and genuinely his happiness. My pleas were clearly ignored.
Any attempt to show concern for him, or to speak the truth, was interpreted as an attack, “disrespectful”, or affront to HIM. Like how dare you hold me accountable for things I have done. How dare you question me as long as I am the one writing checks and “taking care of yo ass”. Yes, I am having an affair with your neice, but as long as I am taking care of you, you need to give me the respect I pay for, do as I say, deal with whatever I do, and sit in the corner like a good little girl and your luxury lifestyle won’t be in jeopardy.
His behavior could be as bizarre, erratic, destructive, and shady as he wanted it to be, and anyone “in his pocket” would just have to deal with it and accept it.
To me, that is not how being a man is defined. That’s not leadership I wanted to follow; it was unaccountability. It was being a bully, a coward, and financial manipulation.
The true measure of a man is NOT using money as a weapon to control and verbally, or emotionally annihilate your wife, it is how you speak to your wife, a woman, and how you treat her when no one is watching.
But this was something I had to contend with that would illicit threats and demands.
I was not free to live my life on my terms if it interfered with his.
I knew I was going to have to figure out how to do this life on my own, and that is what I have attempted to do.
By mid September 2020, I was stressed, exhausted, and felt emotionally drained and spiritually depleted. My brother and sister saw the toll everything was taking on me mentally and physically, so they planned a weekend spa getaway for me and my sister.
Around the same time, I had also offered my bed in the guest bedroom, that “I” bought with my own money, when I was in my early 30’s, to an employee who always helped me get in and out the car at our place of business, and with odd jobs around the house. respected his work ethic, so I treated him to breakfast once a week. I considered him a friend. That was a big mistake. Harry also depended on Dick for his paycheck, so that is where his loyalty lied.
Dick and I were still married by his demand but separated. He was still having an affair with Tricksy, had already moved into his new home, AND had been on 2 trips, at least one with Cookie to Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, so money wasn’t that tight or an issue if it was something he wanted.
I said nothing except “good for you” and “be safe”.
I had no intention to ask his permission to take time for myself. Why would I?
Dick found out about my trip to San Antonio from Tricksy, and she only knew because my sister was going. Dick found out about the bed from the employee who told him I wanted to give it to him because I believed he and Tricksy used it.
Instead of just wishing me well, or saying nothing, the conversation below is the kind of erratic, sweet abuse banter I encountered. This is what happens when you find yourself in a position of dependency.
Even though he was my husband, and I spent 15 years supporting his visions, making sacrifices for, and working beside him in many family business entities, he was very clever at giving me just enough to make me feel safe and secure. Still, he controlled the money and everyone that depended on him for it.
My Lesson: Being a supportive wife, or stay-at-home wife is a noble and honorable state of being, but it is also High Risk! Never put all your eggs in one basket! It is imperative to have your own.
Do you recognize the “sweet abuse”?
September 15, 2020 11:05am (Sarah)
Hey D...Geico is overdue...I would pay it but I don't have enough in my account...do I need to borrow the money? I'm waiting at Therapy cause I got the time wrong 😳
12:02pm (Dick)
“No big deal but how are u getting $$$ to go to a san antonio resort but im paying damn near ALL expenses at the house.
i know u wanna relax but you ballin kinda hard don't u think?
i don't mind being there for you but shit is slow at the club. i pulled from my savings to pay your rent.”
12:38pm (Sarah)
I don't have the money Dick, Ned and H are paying for it until next week ...I just need a break for a couple of days... I know it's tight which is why I didn't ask you for anything,..I'm seriously about to lose it.
3:05pm (Dick)
“ok ill send you some $$$”
3:08pm (Sarah)
I'm good D cause Geico is more important, but thank you
3:23pm (Dick)
“and don't lose it. relax. enjoy yourself and just chill”
5:21pm (Dick)
“rent is paid. ur good.”
6:35pm (Sarah)
Thank you
7:03pm (Dick)
“u there?”
7:25pm (Sarah)
Yes
7:27pm (Dick)
“Are you excited about ur trip?” 😉
7:39pm (Sarah)
Not as excited as I could be just exhausted and not feeling too good but I need it...going to bed now
7:56pm (Dick)
“Ok. is your stomach still hurting?”
8:01pm (Sarah)
At times
8:02pm (Dick)
“Hmm. did the biopsy results come bck?”
(all of these communications were now during my “spa getaway” to rest and decompress🤯)
September 16, 2020
9:10am (Dick)
“Did you get my text?”
9:27am (Dick)
“I will come get the bed and bring it here. If you wanted to give it away ... its done. Only difference is that its going to the person you should have offered it to in the first place.
We will pick up the bed today or tomorrow. No more discussion on that topic.
Stop being petty with me please. Its silly.
Call me after you get out of the shower.
Thank you dear.”
9:44am (Sarah)
Sorry, I can't talk right now.
9:45am (Dick)
“call me right away. short discussion but call me.”
9:45am (Sarah)
I'm so tired Dick, just literally broken. I offered that bed to Harry because of all he's done for me around here and because I wanted to get a Queen bed for that room but with how biz has slowed down I can't afford it so my call to Harry once we got on the road was to wait on picking up the bed...then you called...whatever assumptions he made about that is on him.
I don't expect for you to understand or even care just how much all of this is taking its toll on my heart mind soul and Spirit...the thought of what you and her did and continue to do makes me sick to my stomach... I loved you both beyond what's normal and it hurts me to my core...I can't talk because You wouldn't be able to understand a word I'm saying.
It's hard enough dealing with this then to always be blamed for doing and just trying to live day by day is exhausting.
Sept. 16, 2020
10:58am (Dick)
“No one blames you for anything where it is not deserved.
Fronting me off when I'm doing for you to pacify your sister was silly.
Offering Harry that bed we both had without talking to me is silly.
Planning this trip to S A without even telling me was silly.
I get it that you are hurting but I'm hurt that you lied to me about that Miami trip (I still don't know exactly what it true) but I'm still doing everything for you and being what you need and deserve me to be. And as much as you don't see it .. you did lie ... period.
You playing me for a fool is NOT living day by day.
Its silly and its foolish because, whether you like it or not ... I’M STILL THE ONE WRITING THE BIG ASS CHECKS.
You think about the earth and trees and I'll focus on the money required for you to do that. You don't have to fu@k me, cook for me, wash my clothes or anything else. Just collect the money and do smart shit when it comes to us.
Your heart may be hurting but your ass is living good in the process. Don't take that for granted.
You make $5200 a month for doing nothing because I made it so. I know you are dealing with alot of issues but poverty sure as hell is not one of them.
As long as I am voluntarily paying for you to live in luxury ... you need to at least play the smart part and don't bring shit in this game.
You are spoiled Diva and that's totally ok. Just do your part.
Its really that simple.
Focus on yourself and don't stir up shit with the person keeping your lifestyle intact.
Do what you gotta do to recover because just like I learned with Cookie and you learned when your ex cheated on you ... shit happens and we just gotta play the best hand we can.
You are making $11,000 with rent and insurance a month for nothing. Respect your shit Diva.”
(I called Harry crying, exhausted and asked him why he would tell something like that to Dick. He apologized profusely and seemed to be hurt because I was hurting. This is what came next.)
September 16, 2020
8:12pm Dick:
“Ok. So I just talked to Harry.
1. You do not have the authority to remove, give away or donate anything in that house that you did not personally pay for without at a minimum talking to me first.
2. Harry works for me and his loyalty is to his job is first as it should be. Don't put Harry, Dac or any employee of this business in a position where you are asking them to do something behind my back.
3. Do not ever again chastise one of my employees for "going behind your back" by informing me of some information that is relevant to both of us. That was way out of line.
4. Make sure that you respect these things I am asking you to do (or not do).
Like I said earlier ... you are making $11,000 a month without lifting a finger so please just respect our situation and don't do things that are going to cause problems.”
September 17, 2020
8:24am (Dick)
“Hey. I am having some timer lights installed at my home and I want to know if you want me to have a timer put on that back ceiling fan light so it will go off during the day and come on at night.
Hit me.”
10:22am (Sarah)
Sorry my phone got wet and couldn't see messages or make calls...no thank you not necessary.
Dick:
“Why not? The light was off when I went there yesterday and would have been off while you were gone.”
Sarah:
I'm not gone that often
Dick:
“Ok”
September 18, 2020
9:09am (Dick):
“r u back yet?”
10:28am (Dick):
I didn't realize you We're not at home yet. The guy for the pool rails was going to come by and take another measurement this morning so I will meet him myself
Sarah:
I just woke up ...sorry didn't know checking out at noon
Dick:
“no big deal. they needed to remeasure pool for that single rail. it was last minute. :)
ill meet him later this afternoon. text me or give me a buzz when u get in. we need to go over house and insurance stuff. im working with Julius and health insurance to get premiums down.”
Sept. 20, 2020 Excerpts from an actual conversation:
“Show me the respect I buy/Your lifestyle is my responsibility/Dick, I want a divorce/You’re 50 with a medical condition and you ain’t gonna figure shit out/Your worry is if I don’t say the right things he’s gonna take the house/I’m not going to abandon you Sarah/Fucking over you would disrupt my peace/hurting you and abandoning you would interrupt my peace/you stood by me when I didn’t have shit/They all want what I have to offer/I produce money/Pretty much everything I have is because you helped me/What Tricksy did to you was fucked up/The best thing I’m capable of is being a caretaker/All you have to offer is kindness.”
❤️ “The narcissist’s secret weapon is “Sweet Abuse”!
The most dangerous thing a narcissist does to you isn’t the abuse, gaslighting, the cheating or the manipulation, it’s something much worse.
The screaming, the insults, threats, blame shifting, etc., those are obvious red flags.
Narcissists keep you hooked by continuously flip flopping between love and cruelty.
The more you accept their behavior, the more you are conditioned to believe it’s normal.
Now you are just grateful for the few “good” moments because you’re comparing it to how bad things could be. How crazy is that?
You are not being loved, you’re being “controlled and conditioned!”
Love and Light,
Sarah Marie🌹
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