LISTEN!  My story goes beyond abuse!  It includes cruelty towards someone with a disability.

So here’s what I had survived just between December 1, 2024 - January, 6, 2025 and why I was awol from posting:

In 36 days, I fell a total of 27 times.  Yep, banged up myself pretty good and I am more than certain I sustained several concussions, but guess what, I’m still here and rising from each fall with more gratitude and tenacity than the times before.

By this time, I didn’t feel safe, or protected, or free. I was a sitting duck! Anything I said, anything I did, any person I talked to that did not align with what he felt was acceptable, I always found myself being warned, berated, chastised and threatened.

LISTEN!

• I felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone. 

• How do I process and wrap my heart around this level of trauma?  

• I was mentally, and emotionally drained from his sick, twisted mind games.

• More threats. More promises. More I love you’s. More using my disability to remind me of my vulnerability.

• It was just a motherfu**ing nightmare having to endure this abuse because he knew I depended on him.

Catering to his ego and emotional fragility instead of addressing my own pain and well-being was devastatingly exhausting and self-serving on his part.  I did it because I wanted peace.  I did it because I wanted all to be well with my soul.  I did it because I loved him.

I blamed myself for being in the position to even be controlled. I let my guard down, and because I trusted in and believed that who I was to him as a wife and his vow to me as my husband, I put all my eggs in this one basket and now I was going to pay a high price for that.  I had spent the last 15 years pouring into a relationship and a person that was built on deception and lies.  I was 24 years into my disability and, I felt like a trapped rat, vulnerable and alone.

Ultimately my focus is to share how I am healing my heart; dismantling the conversation’s I have with myself, about myself in a way that lifts and empowers my sense of self-worth; how I have been able to master my thoughts, manage and compartmentalize my emotions, navigate through the pain, forgive, love and honor myself enough to make decisions that have allowed me to take my power back and do my best to create in the chaos.

How to deal with emotional abuse

1. Don't try to fix them. ...

2. Avoid self-blame. ...

3. Prioritize your needs. ...

4. Avoid engaging with them. ...

5. Set personal boundaries. ...

6. Build a support network. ...

7. Exit the relationship or circumstance. ...

8. Give yourself time to heal.

Katt Williams said:

"If you wanted me to speak more highly of you, then perhaps you should have treated me better.  You don't get to narrate MY story of MY experiences with you." I felt that with my entire soul.

Having met so many women dealing with the effects of domestic abuse, I am crystal clear that every experience is not the same and divorcing a narcissist is definitely not a cookie cutter situation as defined by the law. However, the profile and behaviors of the narcissistic abuser is very much identical to the point where I have often asked: Are we married to the same man? This man was so kind, loving and apologetic about the way he betrayed and treated me, until he wasn’t. He would then become mean, dismissive and accusatory.

The cruelty and abuse first began with a betrayal so deep, it crushed my soul. I will share actual conversations, diabolical behaviors and actions that led to an emotional roller coaster ride, mental torture, the tug of war and anguish on my heart, soul and the constant back and forth of his love and devotion for me, promises to always protect and provide without condition, to reminders that “I wouldn’t have shit” if it wasn’t for him, and threats to take it all away if I didn’t conform to what he deemed acceptable.